I’ve Been Waiting For You

Falling asleep is not easy when you’ve got an intense need to express and create. My mind wanders into the depths of my imagination and creativity at all hours, but are more vibrant and pulsating in the early morning hours and late nights. I thought about writing this post in different ways, but decided I share a personal anecdote instead, because why not? Maybe you’ll find some resonance in it.

It was a humid morning and I had just finished splashing the water in my favorite violet polka dotted swimsuit. My grandpa or “lolo” in Tagalog, picked me up to take me to my grandma (my lola) to have me get ready for my first birthday celebration. Our house was buzzing with a cacophony of people setting up the tables, our maids laying out the food, and kids (invited and non-invited) hovering around the pile of gifts and birthday cake. I only remember how strange it all seemed to me–this big party with all these people and all these party things around me, all just to see me in a dress with no hair because my mom shaved my head the week before (which is why I’m wearing a party hat in that picture). I remember thinking, “I just want the scoops of ice cream from the neighborhood ice cream man vendor my lolo hired and to play with my (imaginary) friends.” As much as everything around me looked like fun, I just wanted to be in my “happy space”–and that usually was by myself in places that would evoke my curiosity and imagination. I bring this memory up because for as long as I could remember, I have always lived inwardly than most of my family, friends and peers, and because of it, I have always felt a little more disconnected with the “normal” world and the “normal” way of doing things.

I grew up in a very white community in the valley where the cool thing to do was go and play in the wash or play hide and seek at a trailer park. My english was terrible and I took ESL until the 6th grade. I was made fun of a lot because no one knew what a Filipino was so I was instantly classified as being Chinese. I was an alien, an outcast of some sort with tan skin and a strange uneven haircut who wore mismatched second hand clothes. I was a pretty good student, but my teachers would always say I was too quiet or non-responsive (haha!) to their instructions and questions that it led them to believe I was “troubled”. In reality, I found no solace or comfort in the structures they were placing on me. I wanted to live out my imagination and push people to think about what else there was besides what was given to them on paper. I made friends (eventually) with all sorts of people: the super-smart straight A kids, the mormon kids (because they were SO friendly), the unpopular crowd, the popular bitches and cute skater boys, the funny quirky kids, the new kids from Asia (because anyone with chinky eyes were just stereotyped for being from Asia) and my favorite, the open and imaginative kids that made a realm of their own. I never liked to hang out with just one group of people–it was just too boring that way. I liked all kinds of people and welcomed different ways of thought into my circles. I didn’t want to follow the crowd or even listen to what teachers suggested was good for me. I just did what I felt was right and didn’t care about being grouped into one standard model of a kid.

Life was too much of a color-in-the-lines canvas and all I wanted to do was color it with every color outside of the lines.

---

Too often we’re told at a very young age how we shouldn’t be too much of something. I was “too quiet” and that I needed to participate more and when I tried to, I was “too disruptive” because I didn’t follow the instructions. Too often we live our lives bombarded with all this noise telling us we’re “too much” because of something or “too little” because we didn’t try. For the most part, my living “inwardly” was part of my obsession with just being observant, understanding human behaviors, and trying to make sense of why people sent out strange messages about themselves and the way life should be lived. We spend so much of our life living in a bubble we don’t even know exists until something or someone along the way bursts it and shows us a world full of much more than we thought.

Right now though, there’s a sense of attachment and praise towards outwardly possessions and gratifications. We’re led to believe that we should follow a timeline of accomplishments: go to school, get a good job, buy a house, buy a car, get married, have some babies, raise the babies to become functional humans, and retire with a good pension fund. We’re led to believe that in between these accomplishments, we’re supposed to fill it with stuff so that we could show for our accomplishments. I never understood this, and I never will. While I respect those who want this kind of lifestyle, I want you to think about whether or not YOUR life fits with this timeline.

Sometimes the life we think we want is not the same as the life that wants to live through you.

I was very lucky to learn this early on. As much as I hated trying to follow the norm to get good grades so that my mom and grandparents were happy, I really just wanted ice cream, music, books, a notepad and markers, and to let my imagination run wild.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the life that you think you’ve been living, is probably a life that was molded and given to you to achieve and maintain.

Too often we’re told to do this so that we can be this and have this to be happy about all of this, but what is it all for? To make the ones who have molded your life for you happy? What about you? What about the life that was given to you as a kind of mystery to solve and explore–doesn’t that warrant a chance to manifest in you?

When I was a kid, I said I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up and then 2 minutes later I wanted to be the first asian to win an Oscar, and then 5 minutes later, I just wanted to be Jane Goodall and explore the world with awesome gorillas. The following day, I just wanted to be a club leader for love-struck writers, sharing our collection of CDs with each other and analyzing song lyrics so we could write them to our school crushes.

Everyday, your mind will change. Your heart will want something else, and that’s ok, just as long as you listen to it.

Listen to whatever life wants to be felt in you. I’ve lived quite a few lives at this point (I think I’m on my 5th life) and can tell you that following the mystery and exploring the depths of your own life trying to manifest itself into becoming is a wonderful journey. Sure you’ll get some scars and get made fun of along the way, but you just live. Choose to live your life the way it was given to you, as a gift. Gifts that are given should never be refashioned or molded into something else that it isn’t, and too many of us are asleep to this idea. While I love and value those people who make sure to take care of our life and prepare us with the right tools to live as decent human beings, you must love and value the very life that is aching to taste your creative passion and potential. It is aching to taste your wonder for the world and the deeply sensitive fondness for truth and beauty.

“When you understand that you are the vehicle in which your unique life wants to manifest in, encounters with love become ecstasy. Music and dancing become godlike. Heartache is a wide, somatic wound. Visual natural beauty is jewel-drenched, wild bliss.” – Victoria Erickson

And when you open your eyes tomorrow morning, you’ll finally feel that all it took was directing your passion and spreading your heart only across what clearly matters most: growing and nourishing the life that’s been waiting for you all this time. Listen inwardly as much as possible. If you don’t know how, find the people that lift and inspire your being in places where you thrive. Seek it. They are there if you come unapologetically as you are.

And the life that you’ve been told you should be living? Get off that road, it never was yours. Walk along the path that you want to create for yourself and let your heart steer the direction of your growth, stopping and taking as many detours as you’d like, as long as you come with a fervent belief that this life is all I have and that you must let it live through you. 

You don’t need to choose mediocrity or the norm when fire exists. If you hear it early on, listen to it carefully. So what if you’re quiet? Or maybe you’re a trouble-maker. Naysayers will try to devalue and stunt your growth anyways.

But fire is passion and passion is aliveness, and for once in your life, allow your belief to undo all your disbeliefs so that your destiny can hold you in an ecstatic grasp, and yell, “I’ve been waiting for you!”

You are the designer of your life.

You are the artist, the musician, the writer, the dancer, and the scientist of your masterpiece, so make it the marvelous and captivating one that it’s waiting to be.

Yours,

N

A Little Slower, A Little Sweeter.

Lately I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to be the kind of love I want to be, and it all comes down to a simple feeling that we all should learn how to delight in: savoring.

This past Sunday, I took a spontaneous road trip to see the Imperial Sand Dunes. The place is surreal and absolutely breathtaking. You are transported into another world that feels so out of place especially being 2.5 hrs east of charming San Diego. Not many people know about this vast and magical place so very few people were there when I went. The grains of sand are so fine to the touch that you actually become comforted by the way your feet and hands sink in gently. The winds were strong and blew the sand everywhere, but a moment of calm came by surprise, and I took the chance to kneel and let my fingers graze the sand as I closed my eyes to the warm kiss of the sun.

I thought, here I am, in the presence of everything and nothing, and you still mesmerize me. There was something divine about being there. Something so calming yet powerful enough to remind me how close all of life’s beautiful wonders really are– if we only took the moment to savor what is around us. I opened my eyes to see the sinuous trail of ripples left by the winds and felt a sudden rush of awe and surrender. When you let things pass through you and you feel it in all of its rawness and truth, sometimes you are given a beautiful surprise that moves you beyond words. Savoring does this to you.

Savoring the moment our eyes grow mad with curiosity and intrigue for something or someone that ignites our soul. Savoring the places we travel to, however near or far, and the people we meet along the way–they all teach and give us a little taste of life different than ours. Savoring the hours we have with our lovers, no matter how short-lived the romance and intensity could be, and allowing every word and touch that spills out of you to be wholesome and true to your hearts at that very moment. Savoring the times we find ourselves in the darkness in search of finding beauty in unlikely places. Savoring the passing conversations we have with strangers or even distant family members and friends, and never letting an opportunity to connect and share love sincerely with one another.

I thought about this the other day as I was expressing my perspective on heartbreak and personal growth with a friend, that love is so simple and dating or “courting” would be so much easier if we knew how to savor each other, rather than pushing ourselves too soon and too quickly with someone (or anything for that matter) to fall in love with. I am guilty, though, for taking delight in the moment and forgetting to taste things slowly sometimes. In these moments, I find myself pausing and asking two questions:

Will this be the only chance we’ll ever feel this way? 

Do we both recognize in each other, and in ourselves, the gratitude and bittersweet truth of the present? 

It’s a difficult balance to savor something you know is so exquisite and memorable to have right away.

We are so consumed by instant gratification in our lives, that it is becoming a natural part of ourselves we are beginning to be blind–and ultimately–disabled by in our growth and love. “I wish I had taken it slower” is something we’ve all said to ourselves at one point. “I wish I spent more time with the people who loved and cared about me and said what I felt” is a very familiar and common thing we hear now. When you are learning how to savor, learn how to savor in the magic of manifesting your true self and the beautiful complexities of your being. Many of my friends are “waking up” from their slumber and are now discovering that there is more to life than what they’ve known and that there is more to the being we thought we were.

You have to understand, sweet darling, that even though we can be one big paradox, our complexities are what make growing and understanding worth the journey to experience and to savor all of the calm moments and intensities of the here and now, wherever you are in your life, is what others need to be surrounded and inspired by. To deepen relationships, with yourself and others, you must be willing to open yourself up. Vulnerability is the key to emotional bonding, without which relationships tend to feel superficial and meaningless, and knowing how to savor an experience is how we create more abundance and gratitude in our lives and others. Because how else could we savor in this moment together if we didn’t share our vulnerabilities and true selves with one another?

So tomorrow, when you eat all of that delicious food and drink a luscious and smooth blend of red wine in the company of good friends, new friends, family and new family, take a moment to savor life and all the different cups it gives you: the places, the people, the moments, the fear, the confusion, the short-lived romances, the heartbreaking romances, the family we wish to be closer with, the friends we wish to reconnect with, the fascinating wonders your mind is drawn to, the ache from laughter, the what-ifs and why-nots that compel your creativity, and the moments that make your heart stop and feel time slow down. And when these seconds grab you, feel:

This. Savor this. Savor me. Savor you. Savor the here and now that we are together in this shared experience. 

Remember that.

You will always remember the places and people and experiences that have made you feel something profound. And all it takes to grow a little better every day, is to savor the people who are here in your life and everything that comes and goes your way just a little slower, a little sweeter, darling.

 

Yours,

N

Lost Loves

I had the strangest feeling when I first met you–that maybe it wasn’t our first time around meeting each other. Somehow, our connection and our souls came together so soon and so quickly that the bond was so great it almost hurt. I was drawn to you like I had never been drawn to anything else in life. You were an intriguing mystery I wanted to unlock and understand, but somehow, our past lives were catching up to us.

You always know–and it’s an eerie yet beautiful intense feeling–when you set your eyes on someone who naturally brings out a sincerity and comfort in you, that this connection is something profound. It always takes you by surprise, and you took me by surprise. I am a driven-kind. The kind that goes after what I want and gives all of my heart and passion to a connection. My loyalty never sways as long as you treat me with the level of respect and kindness that I deserve, but somehow, I knew my bond with you was different from the rest because I’ve lost you plenty of times before. It was as if our souls kept wanting to reconnect and bind themselves together even if it were momentary, but no matter how real our connection was and is, the truth is, we were always meant to part.

You will always have a soft spot and a tenderness for the ones who shape your heart and love in profound ways.

You never forget the ecstasy of falling or the pain from the breakup. I always make an effort to keep my past relationships alive in the form of friendships, but there are certain individuals whom you know shake your heart in a way that stirs up an emotion of a lost love that you cannot force to shape or mold into your life any longer. My heart shakes when I see your name or the beautiful picture of you. I will never know you, because we never have completely. In our past lives, we loved just as intensely and moved on with a quiet sadness that each of us accepted. My heart breaks when I dream of you and subconsciously go through the unwritten scripts that our souls conveyed. But I must move on even if it hurts.

The hardest part of letting go is letting go of the future you once believed could unfold if you had stayed together. Even those things you cannot dictate the pace of. We can wish and hope for future things together, but the truth is, we are always constantly dying and being reborn, together and apart. While we were passionate lovers, love was not enough. Love isn’t enough, and I’ll tell you why.

While being in love, giving, and receiving love are important and very foundational to have, every day after the fall and every time after any obstacle or downhill descent, choices must be made.

Every day you have to wake up choosing to be with this person.

You ask yourself whether or not this person is choosing to do the same because you both acknowledge that the choice of being together is a greater outcome than being apart. That your choice in staying is based on the reality of the present and what you can become with this person. Are you a better person because of them? Do you allow them to become a better person, too? Love will always be present. It was present with my ex-partner and I, but the choices we wanted to make were different, and you must understand,

you cannot ever make or influence someone else’s choice in how they choose to share and express their love.

As much as I am happier, I cannot help but feel the tremble in my heart when I see your face. Something overcomes me, and I am reminded of our story and all the reasons why I needed to keep writing my story without you. We will never be together the way that we want, but I’ve learned to understand now, that we’ve met before–in many different languages and times. The sweetest feeling I’ll remember is a lost love that’s found.

I’m not sure if we’ll ever be friends or partners again, but there will always be a tenderness in my heart for you. And while I take my time to regain and rebuild my life without you, please understand, that you’ll always be beautiful to me–even if the very thought of you breaks my heart. I will hold my breath and close my eyes and remind myself to listen and acknowledge the experience of a lifetime that I was able to share with someone like you.

Remember this when you encounter a connection or a lost love, found: Never touch anything with half your heart. Be present and endlessly love and be compassionate with others. Remember that your own happiness and comfort comes above all things, and remember what is important to you. Be honest and get to know yourself and take things at your own pace. What’s right for someone else may not be right for you (and that’s ok). Never be ashamed or afraid to do and express the things you love, and most importantly, remember that you always have a choice to find the joy in living your life, and whom you share it with, the way that you want.

Yours,

N

Meditations of a Restless Romantic

Lately I’ve been feeling a lot more restless than usual. I am beginning to think there’s a trend here–that my constant movement and transitional state of growth is far too intense for some of the people that cross my paths. Ever since February 2009, I vowed to myself as I lay on the carpet of my bedroom with several hours of tears soaked onto my skin that I would never, ever, be ashamed to express the things I felt or blame my burning passions for never giving me what I desired most. Since then, I have found myself in a constant fluctuation in love, growth, pain, experimentation of all that my curiosities chased, and the cities my life and breath experienced. When I reflect back on my life since February 2009, I started off at the peak of things. I finished college and landed a nearly $50K job with amazing benefits and found myself moving closer to a kind of descent into nothingness. The job itself made me realize a lot about humanity and all the things that mattered to me in life. Leaving that job gave me everything I needed to know about the importance of placing my values first and foremost.

My restlessness did not stop there. I searched, and I still search, for a complementary intensity–one that is fueled by the pure desire to be all, and feel all, with one’s true heart and feelings. So much of our world is so easily gratified by the instantaneous “likes” and comments that feed our ego, but what is happening is something truly heart-breaking. In as much as social media has brought us closer, it has made us MORE AFRAID to share our own vulnerability and the sincerity of our soul to one another. I hear a lot about how dating and meeting someone to be in a relationship with has become difficult, but really, the only difficulty I see is the cowardice of not sharing one’s true and best self to one another. How much easier it would be if we could just express ourselves? Yes, we would like to protect our fears and insecurities, but if you loved yourself enough, you would know how to rebuild those things even if someone were to break or take your love for granted.

I have been with many types of people and have been fortunate to have loved almost all of them, each with different intensities. My love grew and grew, and I knew then, that falling in love was never limited to just one person, it was infinite. When you have fallen in love, the experience itself is a door that opens like an elevator, and with each floor that you stop at, you only go higher and higher, experiencing love in a different depth and height. I moved through my love with the people I met and the places and experiences I’ve been able to taste, with as much acceptance and resilience to move forward, each and every time my heart was broken, but some nights, like tonight–I feel restless. Something in my soul craves and desires the not-so-ordinary. I know my love and who I am is not your ordinary kind of love. I am all the things that I love and I do my very best to nourish each part of my selves. I may be scared sometimes, but I will never choose fear over the prospect of growing my love and compassion in some way. If you ever fall in love or have the chance to have your heart broken, remember that love can only grow stronger when it has withstood the seasons of pain, heartbreak, madness, and stagnancy.

You will love again. And you will love stronger and stronger each time.

Completely letting go of the one person I thought my life and my future could be with was the most difficult choice I had to make. We were best friends, passionate lovers, boundless soulmates, and the one person I wanted to share my life with. We fought well and we made up always with a tender affection–except for the last time. Years together and apart taught me so much about myself and the capacity of my love and my partner’s capacity to love. You can never dictate how someone you love will grow–only they can be the one to do that. Love grows together and it also grows apart, but even if it grows apart, each of us grow, and we need that. My intensity was growing and it was vibrating at a rapid frequency. It was clear that I hungered for more. It was clear that the sounds from my heart were strumming with a melodic enchantment to the world around and within me. I no longer was ashamed for all the things I felt or scared to express my devotion to one person. We toiled through our relationship in a very rare and unique way, and because of how we did it, I learned so much about the difference between commitment and devotion, love and a higher form of it that was grounded on gratitude, moments together, and the most open and honest communication I could not have ever imagined having with a partner.

But I was restless and I always will be. I taste and see life a little differently than most, and sometimes it scares people because they won’t know how to react or interact with my intensity, and other times, a feverish curiosity and intrigue grabs them, but almost always, nothing feeds my soul like a passionate mind full of rawness and truth and unabashed curiosity to the arts, creativity, and the music of life.

I want no ordinary love. I want to drown in passion and be ravished every night, because that is how I want to live my very short time in this human flesh I have been given on this beautiful emerald rock.

It took me many heartbreaks and many joys to come to this realization, but I realize now how important it is to constantly grow myself and grow my love as honestly and courageously as possible with any one who chooses to be just as fearless with their love and share it with me. I must thank my beloved scientist for this gift he parted with me. You see, he was killed and my heart broke in a million different ways I never thought I could fathom feeling. The only words that mattered to us more than love were three simple words that bound our spirits and our experience together in the most beautiful way that truth could give: “Don’t doubt this.” I remind myself of this constantly. So when I give myself to you and spare my time for you, please understand that it is because I am choosing to take the little time I have in my short life, to share something real with you– if you are willing and brave enough to do the same.

I am restless now because I am tired. Tired of feeling like I must conform or turn my volume down a little so that I can be “liked”. You never want to admit it, until you fall in love with someone and feel your heart expand and contract with the wave of your emotions and growth, but you already know that the intensity and the madness of it all is worth living for–so why live your life with less intensity because you are not with your one true love?

When you begin to live your life with all of your heart as if you were in love with the relationship to your spirit and soul, you begin to realize the things that you should value most in a shared connection: loyalty, friendship, trust, kindness, and gratitude.

All these things will equate and move you towards discovering yourself and the partner that will have loved you all this time that you two have been apart. Surround yourself with the souls and spaces that groove alongside your own–the ones that also desire to chase the beauty, courage and freedom we’re all here to teach each other.

Promise yourself to move forward. Promise yourself to be unapologetically you and all the things you love. Love with reckless abandon. Love with honesty and kindness. Love even if you might get your heart broken again. Love because the intensity makes life so much more worthwhile and enjoyable.

Yours,

N

Northern Lights – A Eulogy to A Love Lost

I always imagined I’d wear a beautiful white dress for you and watch you in amazement while you walked towards me. I always imagined I could finally be right and ready for you, and share all the truths of love, being, and growing in the sacred blessing of our souls meeting. I always imagined that we could be different and still want each other like the moon chases the sun. My created dreams of you and me, traveling to foreign landscapes and filling ourselves up with life and the moments we’d breath together are hazy wishful thoughts that fade like the fog meeting the break of dawn.

You were whole for me once and I took it for granted. We were young and naïve and knew nothing. And though time split us apart and took us down our own journeys in the 1.6 million minutes we lived without each other, the universe spoke—and with its humming sounds reaching far into our separate depths, its waves came and pushed our currents back into each other again. I was different and so were you. We filled our time acknowledging the moment and promised to be friends forever. We fought for one another’s right to protect the love and happiness we deserved, and because of it we grew to understand each other and the true beauty of our humanness.

I chose you, from the moment I set my lips on yours that night. I wasn’t certain what it would create, I only knew that my heart opened its gate and let the water flood my veins and engulf me. For months, I thought that I could love you away from all of my different selves—that I could somehow, nurture and preserve the sanctity of the love that existed between us away from our individual desires. I was confident in the way my heart spoke and convinced we were different than most, and while I believe we are, a part of me realizes that free-will is a choice only a person can make for themselves. Love is all encompassing and transforms itself constantly. I know now, more than ever, how important it is to be present—to really be present with your heart and yourself.

Surrendering myself to presence wasn’t always easy—that was your nature. My mind and thoughts were prisoners of time and memories that I let dictate the truths of my heart. I lost you, and it was completely my own doing. No matter what had happened, I vowed to do my best to love again. I feel the growth that’s happening in my heart now and realize how important it is to truly be aware and conscious of the present: To be completely honest and vulnerable to all matters of the heart. I never want to lose a chance to allow myself and my heart the feeling of expressing its deepest truths, admiration, and devotion to someone. I never want to live as a prisoner of my own time-created fears in place of living and discovering the uncharted territories of the vast garden that is my love.

I remember closing my eyes as I watched the sunset cascade its beautiful colors in the sky and thought,

Unconditional love is not time bound. That even when the sun sets, it rises somewhere else. If we want to see the light and feel its warmth, we only need to choose to love and trust daily like the sun trusts the moon to keep our darkest paths lit.

I always imagined I could be that person who would scare all your fears away and hold the wonderful and brave angel that you are. I always imagined what it would be like to have fully lived out our love the way it should have all those lifetimes ago. A part of ourselves has found each other in this lifetime. It’s taken lifetimes and many cycles of life to bring the pieces together. It’s likely that we’ll never become whole because our souls haven’t found all the pieces yet. We are incomplete spirits searching for all the billions of pieces of its one true self. We have been lucky to experience such awareness of each others meeting, and I only hope that we can meet again in all the lifetimes we’ll have and reunite our pieces to complete each other even if we are not yet whole.

I always imagined that was what love meant to the universe: a dark vastness filled with burning holes that light up the heavenly skies, showing all who choose to see the undeniable, majestic wholeness.

Until we meet again, my love.

The Crazy Ones: Why Love is an Art of Being

Photo by: Stephanie Dandan, Infinite Satori

I’ve been told plenty of times that I’m crazy.

“You’re crazy…”

“..for leaving a beautiful city and a comfortable  job at the hottest tech start-up, for being a woman and travelling alone to different countries and sleeping on trains and couches, for going to a private school that put you $60K in debt, for breaking my heart because you’ll never meet anyone who will love you like I do, for saying what you said to him–‘do you know who he is?’, for not taking that job because you would have been set for life, for not listening to what’s been done before…”

I realize I could continue that list for pages, but the truth is, the criticism will never end. I will always have people telling me why they think I’m crazy, but here’s the thing–I already knew that I was crazy and will likely stay that way for the rest of my life.

Because if crazy means that I get to follow my heart and create my life the way that I want, then I’d rather be a crazy human being who lives the madness of  love than a prisoner of fear and societal construction.

Ever since I left San Francisco, I’ve been on a continual quest to create my own destiny and life without compromising my true purpose in life. I moved to Los Angeles thinking I’d be a kick-ass Producer and could start over in the Entertainment industry, but I got sucked into the comfy lifestyle of a monthly salary and the hopes of someday “making enough to quit my job and be a writer”. I worked 10- to 15-hour days and would always come home feeling completely brain fried, like a zombie on auto-pilot, only feeding myself with dinner and catching up on the latest in my news feed. I would crave for just a little bit of time to write my novel and short stories, sometimes waking up at 4:30am to court my muse until I had to put her back in the cage and put on my “professional” face for the next 15 hours.

Living that way, ate away my smile and my soul, and I soon began to feel like a prisoner. It only took an observation of the people and environment I was in to help me realize, that there’s not enough people out there who stand up for their dreams and truly follow their heart. I smiled like a mad scientist on the brink of a discovery thinking, “Let’s see what happens if I leave and take an alternate path.”  I left that job, the environment, and the construction of a path that was laid out for me.

I wanted to build my own path in whatever direction I wanted with whatever material I created or was given. I was going to struggle, but at least I’ll know that the path was built with my own self-love, values, blood, sweat, and tears. 

Recently, I’ve felt a kind of shift happening right now that most people don’t see. A lot of my peers seem to feel lost with themselves or trapped on a path they feel they can’t get off of. They seek a kind of understanding with themselves, and an approval or the permission to follow their heart and curiosities. We’ve spent years and years and years telling our kids and ourselves that success and happiness come from material stability and security. That without a comfortable job that gives you benefits (which is nice) and a nice 401k, you’re pretty much f*cked. What they have long forgotten though, is the very trait that has brought us into becoming who we are as beings: evolution.

We forget that we are evolutionary beings who are capable of accessing the power of our intuition and using it to create things from our heart and soul. We spend too much of our lives following the rules and doing what is necessary to climb up a ladder that isn’t our own, but someone else’s. For those who are comfortable with that kind of mentality and lifestyle, I don’t hate you or disregard what you choose for your life, I only hope to spark a meditation for those who feel they don’t fit in with that.

If we continue to follow what’s been done and continue to quantify success and happiness on material stability, how will we ever evolve into better beings? I meet a lot of cynics and pessimists who tell me I’m not being realistic, but the truth is, reality needs to evolve or we will never be any better than what we were and are, yesterday or today. You have to continuously break the mold, the tradition, and the preconceived structures that society imposes on us.

BE the CREATOR that you are. The ARTIST that you FEEL. The MUSICIAN that HEALS. The ENGINEER that IMPROVES to bring basic human needs. The SCIENTIST that EXPLORES new territories. The ENTREPRENEUR that UPLIFTS us out of of the poverty mentality.

Start listening to the inner voices of your heart and soul. They are the only tools you need to create your life the way you want.

Creating yourself and bringing into fruition the passions, dreams, and love that you desire are a lot like art. You have an idea of what you want to create and an overall image you wish for others to see, but ultimately, creation is all about the process. The colors you will use will change. The strokes and patterns will shift in different directions according to the orders of your heart, and you’ll pour hours and hours of tears and joy over quick moments of completion and mistake. And when you feel like the piece is complete, you’ll realize that a version of yourself has been satisfied and that the art is never really complete–that it continuously evolves from itself.

We are resilient creatures who have lived through unimaginable circumstances, but in order to evolve as a human being in our personal lives, or our career endeavors or spiritual creations, we have to welcome all love, pain and joy, and knowing when to let go of the people and places that don’t align with your heart values or push your present forward.

You have to believe in what you love, create with whatever materials and resources you have, and go at whatever pace you choose fits best. YOU are your own designer, artist, and creator.

While you are living, follow your heart and soul. Be crazy enough to think you might just be onto something–a discovery and journey that most people fear of taking. Be different versions of yourself all the time. Create like a mad artist, evolving and using different colors, tools and mediums to express your truest and highest self. My friend and soul-sister, Low Leaf, said it best when she encountered criticism for her music and being,

“I refuse to feel ashamed for being an artist who doesn’t get as much shine as one would quantify as success. True wealth cannot be bought…us creators, artists, and healers… we know something, that they don’t…. something that they’ve long forgotten… n we can’t talk about it.. we just be about it….”.

LOVE yourself. LOVE your ART. LOVE your BEING.

To quote Steve Jobs:

 

 

 

Because the ones that are remembered the most are the crazy ones. Because the crazy ones are the leaders of our human evolution. They are fearless in their growth and compassionate with their love.

THE WORLD NEEDS MORE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW THEIR HEARTS and CREATE WITH THEIR SOUL.

What are you waiting for?

Do it for the love of your passions.

 

Yours,

Noemi

 

The Painful and Beautiful Truth About Growth

I like to think that the energy we surround ourselves around contribute to our overall sense of spiritual sanity. I use the term “spiritual” loosely because for the most part, what we feel, when we feel a great sense of clarity or assurance that we are among the kind of love we wish for, is truly the force and feeling we strive to feel. 

A lot of the times though, we find ourselves at a constant collision with incompatible energies and frequencies in the world. We feel it when we are around negative voices, hostile situations, uncomfortable places and heights, and sometimes even surprise us in painfully beautiful ways. Love, feels just like that. And when we feel that kind of collision touch the surface of our flesh and begin to feel the tingling in our bones, we instantly (and sub-consciously) retreat to protect ourselves, or we live through the process however much it hurts. 

The truth is, change and growth hurt. It really, really hurts. Sometimes the change happens so quick that you don’t remember a lot during the impact or of the moment when it happens. You enter in a state of disillusion where your thoughts scatter into more pieces when you try to make sense of the storyline, but everything seems and feels like an eternal labyrinth of broken pieces that aren’t fitting together anymore.

When this happens, that’s when you know that you have to make a choice. A choice where you decide whether the tragedy will grow and build more resilience and wisdom in you, or scar your memories and soul, disabling you from feeling the beauty of growth from pain, impermanence, and differences of the elevation we feel in our soul. Even in our spiritual journey, we’ll always meet and collide with frequencies and vibrations that will shape our form and even push us towards new directions in our course.

It’s important to acknowledge when we’ve made the most of something and have given it our most genuine love and gratitude. When we begin to realize that, we can either decide to fill more of our life with it, or let it go to allow ourselves to seek more places and people that move us closer to the ultimate truth of feeling the connectedness we seek.

There is so much to growth we fear. Nothing beautiful ever came to life without having to endure the pain of growth. Sometimes we learn how to adapt, but adapting isn’t the key to survival. Evolving is. And the only way our soul can discover the truths and mysteries of this beautiful universe we exist in, is to choose to evolve our way of thinking and feeling, of giving and receiving, and of living and believing. 

We have to believe that there is so, so much more, than the instant gratifications and ridiculous actions of an unnecessary tension. We have to choose to evolve with the light and darkness that pull us forward. We have to trust in the light that is ingrained in our soul to direct our elevation and connect us to the highest form of transcendence.

We have to feel ourselves break into a million different pieces that infinitely break into a million more pieces when we try to put them together. We are as beautiful as a star exploding when it reaches its final form. We need the ability to accept and forgive the tragedy of the impact, or we will never learn how to grow and push our soul to become the highest form of itself.

The broken pieces will always be there, but like a billion scattered stars against a black velvet sky, what we see are not the pieces, but the infinite beauty of a vast, glittering, reflection of our soul.

Beloved Ones

365 days ago, a beautiful soul and vibrant energy was taken back to be part of the brilliance of the stars and warmth of the dark space around us. There is not a single moment that I am not reminded of his earthly and celestial presence.

He grew my heart and poured fresh water onto it–allowing me to absorb more life, more abundance, and most importantly, to absorb feeling, with no fear or hesitance towards the next the moment.

He showed me what it felt like to stand on my own two feet and feel so confident even with space between us.

He lit my mind on fire and my curiosity like a mad scientist reinventing the laws of nature.

Everything became beautiful.

Every little thing of life, became so much more luminous.

In the year that I’ve been without his human touch, I have evolved as an artist, a writer, a lover, a friend, and feel that my spirit and soul have elevated closer to the light and dark energies of this brilliant universe.

He is present in the same kind of pure love and gratitude that can be felt between two celestial beings who gravitate to one another in synchronicity.

He is love.

I am so very lucky to have felt that with, and for him. And despite a year ridden with pain, confusion, transformation, limbo, and transient moments of ecstasy, I always remember how he encouraged me to always experience every moment–from beginning to end–as if it were my last.

Because pain and transformation, were part of moving forward to accepting the here and now, and if I wanted movement, I needed to go through it all: the bitter and the sweet.

If there is one thing that I’ve taken from having shared those precious and sacred moments he and I had on this earth, it is this:

To live and feel everything so intensely, with no worry in the world at the ticking clock– that as long as we have our two feet on the ground, our hearts pulsating in sync like a never-ending melody, and our minds captivated by the luminance that’s around us, then our soul will always be elevated and filled with a love that can never be destroyed.

To my readers, I hope that if you have experienced this or are experiencing this kind of feeling with another person, that you remember to take a moment to show your gratitude and love, so intensely.

I promise you, when you surround yourself near the light, any darkness, shame or fear you may have, will always be held and accepted.

Don’t be afraid to cross the line.

Don’t be afraid to feel. To really, really, feel.

Don’t doubt, this.

To my beloved scientist, green-thumb, funny man, and lavender-filled garden in my heart, I miss you dearly and will always honor the source of light and love you continue to share with me. I won’t ever doubt it.

Yours,

N

A Light Kind of Attraction

It always seems strange to me that traits like, kindness, compassion, generosity, and gratitude are often perceived as “weak” traits to possess and express in our society. Instead, the aggressive, ego-centric, self-indulgent, money-and-fame hungry, climb-up-the-ladder-of-society-success mentality is one that, strangely enough, are unconsciously forced on us by the structures and rules we have created.

Every day we make a choice as soon as we open our eyes to the light. We have to consciously make an effort to be aware of our life and its place in the universe, and with the people that we surround ourselves with. It is easier to look away from the human being that is struggling to make a decent living to support his family, or subtly pass an uncaring glance to the free spirit that laughs and smiles at everything in her path because everything to her glitters. It is easier to communicate through text messages and social media, but always at the cost of a real, human, physical connection. It takes strength and courage to be gentle and kind, compassionate, generous, and grateful.

We are sources of energy, and the energy that we exude–whether it be negative or positive–can be felt, and influence others as well as be transformed by your energy. We encounter different kinds of energies from the places we experience and people we meet. The most significant and memorable kinds of energy we feel are always the ones where we have felt a shared love, appreciation, value, and connection with someone or a group of people. It is basic human thermodynamics–you transform your positive energy into physical expressions of love and kindness which then transforms into energy that chemically induces others to feel that love, growing the shared experience of a higher awareness and consciousness, together, and individually.

Why is it then, that we are so afraid to feel and BE kind, loving, grateful, and compassionate on a daily basis? I encounter many people like this all the time, and I can intuit what it must be like to feel the way they do: hiding behind the material façades and idolizers to drown their loneliness, indulging in momentary bliss and inauthentic interactions to reaffirm and coat their ego, and coming home to fall apart on a bed of broken nights and hazy mornings which feel nothing close to comfort or love. I always make an effort to express kindness and gratitude to those who have hurt me, wronged me, or treated me unkindly. It is always better to part with kindness than with the silence of hate and miscommunication. If we want more kind, loving, grateful, genuine, and compassion interactions in our life, we have to consciously CHOOSE to feel and be those things to ourselves first so that we can be those things to others.

Every one secretly deserves to feel loved, valued, and appreciated, even from far away. Even if you don’t speak or see someone very often, kindness and gratitude should always be expressed–no matter the distance or time.

I was hesitant to write about this, because at first, I thought it wasn’t worth it to write with a particular person I had in mind, but then a quiet moment skipped passed my thoughts: Of course I should. My love and kindness is infinite, and they are not limited to just me. I will write, to send my love and light to the darkest, loneliest corners of his soul. Because even at a distance, I can see the lonely man wishing to be saved by something, or someone, like a light beam from a lighthouse that shines even for just a tiny bit, to warm his heart and remind him of what feeling genuinely human is really like: to be seen wholly as he is, in his most vulnerable, beautiful, nakedness.

I am writing to express my compassion for you too, my reader, whoever you are. Even if love, kindness, and gratitude are not reciprocated, know this: it isn’t because it was not appreciated or valued, it is because not everyone yet understands how to express their own source of love and kindness. So teach them by embodying and expressing those traits. Continue to keep sharing your light and energy–it is infinite. Energy can neither be created or destroyed, it can only be transformed. It is ingrained in our human anatomy and soul, and true to the laws of thermodynamics and everything that exists all around us. Continue to be defiant with love and kindness, and others will follow, and if not, they will have felt what it was like to be loved and be treated with kindness.

We all know very well, what the sun feels like when its rays fight to touch our skin on a cloudy day, and our eyes lift up with our souls, and we feel it in our heart how loving and kind even the most violent of all stars in our galaxy is. That is love, and that is kindness, and it has always existed within us.

Fission Singularity: An Abstraction of the Self

 

Feel life. Feel death. Feel everything that’s in-between. 

You heart pulsates a little slower than usual on moments like this. The air feels thinner. Your veins scream for oxygen, and you begin to feel every microscopic sensation of falling–the dizzy chaos and adrenaline–that passes through you like a magnetic charge of electricity. Your mind tries to assess and define the black hole you just leapt through, but everything is chaotic, in unrecognizable pieces that don’t seem to fit together even against the negative space of your thoughts. And so you let the waves push and pull the pieces hoping they will reunite, but realize your consciousness is the only thing that’s whole. Your eyes open to find the stars at dawn, and a breeze that seems so far away gently kiss the pieces of you that have drifted.

“Come closer,” she murmurs.

A pulse of magnetic blues and electrifying greens streak against the black abyss, and you see it all unfold right in front of your eyes: a dance with dark matter and energy, twisting and transforming, releasing and colliding into a million different forms, neither creating or destroying.

“Look closer,” she murmurs. “Do you feel it, yet?” she whispers with wonder.

The proof, is a powerful gravitational pull that draws itself out from you when you are lost, because the only truth resilient enough to fight through painful collisions and wicked transformations of yourself are all the orders of your heart.

“Come closer, my darling,” she says looking directly into the windows of your soul. “Take only what you feel is real, and let all of the other pieces float quietly in their slumber.”

The purple shades of dusk mark your presence. Here, you defy time and space–because all of the pieces of life and death, of love and loss, of pain and bliss, and of every moment you feel ripped apart or exploding from a self-made caste, is proof that you are an infinite process of dynamic reincarnation. And the you that was, is only a particle of now. And the you that is, only knows what is here and what exists. And the you that will be, has already revealed itself to you.

…to be continued

CV826-25