Thirty One Lessons in Thirty One Years

Today is my 31st birthday and I am currently at a quaint coffee and bookstore shop in Boulder, Colorado. It’s a sunny day and the air is crisp and cool which I do enjoy. I usually spend my birthday mornings in a reflective mood–ruminating on my growth, my successes, the people who have made my life so heartwarming and full of love and lessons, my failures and areas of weaknesses, and all the things that I’ve learned that has shaped who I am.

I wanted to write this post mostly because I felt an urge to share what beautiful lessons and things I’ve come to learn in my understanding of my own self in this wild journey called life. I’m not afraid anymore to share my vulnerabilities to the world or be told that I’m “weird” and “intense” for some people, because frankly, there’s no other way I’d like to live than to live completely aware of my shortcomings and wholeness and be truthful to that. There are so many values and principles I live by that dishonoring and disrespecting them would be such a disservice to the people around me who might be struggling to find their own sense of self. I can only hope that to live and act in ways that are courageous and brave will also inspire others to do the same.

Over my 31 years of breathing on this earth, here are 31 ruminations and lessons I’ve learned that I think may help serve you in your journey:

1. Believe in yourself. I spent so much of my life not believing in myself because I didn’t quite fit in with the rest of my peers. I doubted a lot of my talents and passions because I spent so much time trying to get validation and approval from others and fit their mold. It was only when I hit my 20s that I started to realize that my talents and passions were a core part of who I am and that if I didn’t start believing in them, I wasn’t truly living authentically. I needed to believe that my talents and passions were so important to the vitality of my life that anyone who tried to tell me otherwise was not a source of growth or support.
2. Allow yourself to love and feel loved. I grew up in a household where we showed very little “loving” emotions. I understood what anger, sadness, contempt, and disappointment looked like, but was never really exposed to what “love” looked  or felt like. These experiences had a very huge impact on how I perceived love whenever I felt or received it. Anytime I felt love, I questioned it and denied it any room to open my heart. Anytime love was given to me, I was sure people were using it to manipulate me. It was only when I allowed myself to view love as a way to grow my understanding of myself and others that I could become a more wholesome and empathic individual. I hated having a heart of stone. And the only way to soften that was to allow room for it to break in several ways.
3. Don’t be a slave to age. I hear a lot of people say things like “I’m too old to do that now” or “I’m just too old, I don’t have time for that.” Society shames us when we want to do something that may seem out of our age range to do and I am not a supporter of that. If there’s something you want to do, you should do it. If you are physically able and willing, anything is possible. Don’t wait to do what you’ve always wanted. Your time on earth is finite.
4. Take care of your health. Health is my number one value. Everything that I love revolves around the health of my well being. If my health is not prioritized, my relationships suffer, my work suffers, and my passions and talents suffer. Prioritize your health (mental, physical, and spiritual) if you want to see healthy growth in the areas of your life.
5. Feed your curiosity. When you feed your curiosity, your inner world expands. When you ask a lot of questions and wonder about the world, interests, and people around you, you build a better understanding of the life we live in and your role in it.
6. Honor your values. When you know what you value, honor them. If there are people or ideas that question what you value, thank them for their concern and move on from them. Your values are the grounding pillars that will support everything else in your life. Be sure to protect them.
7. Be honest. Be honest with yourself and others. It’s so simple, but we often find ourselves beating around the bush or playing down the truth. There are ways to tell the truth with kindness and respect. Some truths hurt, and it’s ok. This is how you build resilience. Trustworthiness is something only we can teach each other.
8. Anything is possible with a willing heart and disciplined mind. Growing up, I’ve been met with many, “no, you can’t do that” or “that’s impossible”. It was a frustrating experience anytime I was told I couldn’t do something because I wasn’t allowed to or that it was just too hard to achieve. These kinds of limits that people placed on me only drove my ambitions further to find other ways to achieve what I wanted. It worked. You have to frame your mind to believe that what you want for your life is possible to achieve as long as you’re willing and disciplined to create it.
9. Get rid of your ego. Having pride for the work you do and things you achieve are ok, but don’t be an arrogant asshole. Your success is only possible because others have helped you. Accept the praise but thank others.
10. Explore the world and other cultures. There are other ways of life and cultures that make this world so beautiful. Explore and learn about them. Immerse yourself in a culture and surrounding unknown to you. This is how you build global awareness. Had I not traveled to other countries and immersed myself in their cultures, I’d be a far different person than I am today. Travel builds your character and humbles you.
11. Know your boundaries and respect other’s boundaries. I remember working at at tech startup in San Francisco and feeling like I couldn’t say no to an invite I received even though I knew it meant having to muster up the energy to socialize and be part of the team. I’m an introvert. I personally find social activities exhausting, and I felt uncomfortable saying no because I was scared of not being a team-player. Know your boundaries because when you disrespect them, you give people the permission to disrespect your boundaries.
12. Tell your friends you love them. When you have people in your life who know the deepest parts of you and would do anything in their ability to help and support you, tell these people you love them. Friendship is something I treasure deeply. These friendships have kept me alive and I owe them all my love and complete presence any time I am with them.
13. Always say sorry when you’ve hurt someone. This one is something that was hard for me to learn. My grandpa always told me to say sorry to someone I’ve hurt, but I always had too much pride and was too stubborn to accept that I was wrong. When you tell someone you’re sorry, be completely sincere. Saying sorry teaches us how to be tender with ourselves and others.
14. Stop comparing yourself to people. I used to spend a lot of time comparing myself to women who were more beautiful than me because I was always told I was ugly or fat by my relatives. This sucked to hear growing up. Ultimately, I decided that anyone who told me these things were people who didn’t like themselves. Now when I see beautiful women, I admire their beauty and tell myself that I’m beautiful too. Because if I can recognize beauty in someone else, that must mean I have beauty too and there would not be a need to compare because we are both beautiful in our own ways. This goes for achievements too. When you see someone who is excelling, you should learn to admire these people and become like them or better. Comparing yourself stunts your growth.
15. Love with all your heart. I’m not one to go in half-heartedly in anything. I’ve also learned that you shouldn’t surround yourself around people who give half-heartedly. When you do things with your whole heart, you experience life wholly and all the beauty and terror that come with it. Doing something half-heartedly is a disservice to yourself and others. You’ll never know the joys of living if you’re only giving half of what you’re capable of.
16. You’re only as good as your word. I’ve come to realize that people are really good at talking themselves up and making you believe in what they are all about. I’ve been a fool to believe people for their words at face value and not take a closer look at their actions. Be a person of action when you say something. Be true to your word and follow through. Inconsistency breeds doubt and consistency breeds trust. Be a trustworthy person.
17. Share your talents and passions. It took some time for me to feel confident about sharing my talents and passions because I am my most harshest critic, but I’ve come to realize that when you share your talents and passion, even if you do so little by little, that people respond in positive ways that encourage them to do the same. It made me happy to know that me sharing my own talents and passion encouraged others to do the same.
18. Accept that not everyone will like you. Be kind anyway. I used to get so hung up and obsess over why someone didn’t like me and try to figure out what it was that I did that would cause that. This obsessiveness would breed resentment in me and frustration which weren’t conducive to my well being. There are some things you can’t control and other’s perception of you is one of them. Be kind anyway.
19. Let go of grudges and past resentments. There is no way to move forward in life if you hold onto the past hurt. Healing and forgiveness require letting go of grudges and past resentments. Our time is so limited on earth that we should really try to spend our time in more positive states instead of hateful ones.
20. You can’t change other people, but you can change yourself. I’m guilty of trying to change people to fit the mold I wanted them to fit only to find myself extremely hurt and depressed. Accept that you can’t change people. You can encourage their growth and provide guidance, but ultimately, they are the only ones who can decide for themselves who they want to be. Instead, focus on who you can change and that’s you.
21. Face your fears and demons now. We spend so much of our lives running away from the self-work it takes to love ourselves. When we don’t face our fears and demons earlier on in our lives, we unintentionally affect our relationship with others. It takes hard work to understand and sort through the traumas of your childhood and the demons that grew from it, but the reward is that you become so aware of yourself that by doing so, you teach others how to love and accept your flaws. We’re all flawed humans anyway.
22. Be willing to adapt to change. One thing is certain in life and that’s change. Cultural changes, climate change, political change, financial change, etc., will always remain a constant throughout our lives. I personally think that a willingness to adapt to change is one of the keys to our human survival and growth. How else could we evolve as a species if we’re locked into the mentality that we can’t or don’t want to change?
23. Failure is a gift. Learn from it. I’m an over-achiever and a perfectionist and I hate the feeling of failing, but what I know from having many failures is that it offers you a gift and opportunity to reinvent yourself and challenge your thinking. How we react to failure shapes who we become. When we see failure as an opportunity to expand ourselves, we build the grit and resilience required for success and fulfillment.
24. If you’re unhappy, challenge yourself to learn a new hobby. Every month in 2018, I gave myself a challenge to try a new hobby. I remember reading somewhere that it takes 30 days to create a habit. For 30 days I’d try out my selected hobby and if my joy and curiosity did not grow within those 30 days, I’d simply take up a different hobby the next month until I found one that held my curiosity past 30 days. Happiness doesn’t just arrive in your life, you have to create pathways for it to arise from within you. From that exercise, I learned that taking photos using a film camera bring me much happiness. :0)
25. Think before you react. Think before you speak. If you know me, you know that I’m a very expressive person who does not shy away from showing emotions. However, what I’ve come to learn is that not everyone will appreciate or know how to process your expressivity. In stressful or tense situations, I often remind myself to think before I react or say anything. Because what you say and how you say things determine the nature of the outcome.
26. Offer help, but never force it. Some people don’t want our help and we shouldn’t force our help on them. We can only offer our help and remain loyal to the offer when called upon. As someone who goes through depressive states in and out, I know that people cannot help me if I don’t know how to recognize that I need to help myself. When I accept that I need help, only then can others help me.
27. Enjoy the adventure and spontaneity of life. I’m such a structured and orderly person that sometimes I forget to enjoy some spontaneity in my life. Meditation and playing music allow me to grow more accepting of random spontaneous events and activities to be more “in the moment”. When you allow for adventure and spontaneity in your life, I think it helps you grow more centered in the thought that your life is fleeting and all you really have is the here and now.
28. Don’t be afraid to start over again. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hit the reset button and started all over again. When you do that, you don’t start from scratch, you start from experience and there is no shame in recalculating where you need to go next. Life is meant to be fulfilling not perfect so don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can’t hit that reset button. Dare to live your most fulfilling life.
29. Stay loyal to the people you love and the dreams you create. Loyalty is one of those things that are hard earned and easily broken. When someone consistently brings out the best qualities in you and is there when you need them, show them your loyalty by doing the same. When you create and plan out your dreams, take an active role by checking-in with smaller goals to see if these are pushing you towards fulfilling your dreams. Loyalty by far, is the most important characteristic I value in myself and others.
30. Be kind to yourself. When I work too much, I forget to eat because I get so focused and hours go by where I forget the time and skip meals. When I’m not understanding something, I beat myself up for not getting it quick enough. I am the most hardest on myself than anyone I know. I’m learning to be more kind to myself as I am to others because often times, I’ll find myself exhausted from giving so much of my kindness to others that I’m left feeling pretty depleted which leaves me more vulnerable to depressive funks and less kind to myself. So folks, be kind to yourself first and it will mirror the kindness you can give to others. And as cliché as it sounds, kindness is contagious.
31. Do the right thing, always. It shows you have integrity. Don’t cheat, don’t cut corners, don’t lie to get what you want, because people will find out, and if they don’t, you’ll know what you’ve done and it will haunt you for life. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching. Choose to do the right thing, always. Sometimes it hurts and you struggle, but the reward is building a heart of gold and a head full of good morals that practices integrity, and you want to grow that.

I’ll leave this post with a lasting wish for you on my birthday: that you find and love yourself enough to create a life that you want and feel fulfilled to have. Happy Birthday to you…I’m so thankful to have you as a reader of my thoughts and ramblings. Thank you for seeing me and hearing me and making me feel…alive.

 

Love,

Noemi