Emptiness in Time.

Two years ago, I wrote about understanding the power of presence and how to stay in line with our self-love, reminding ourselves to recognize when something or someone does not serve our higher self and is toxic to our growth.

Two years later, after experiencing what I thought was the love you knew was meant for you, I sit here with an immense amount of emptiness—both a good and cruel feeling measured by time. I fell deep in love, or what I thought was love, and married the person who would unknowingly become a person I feared, loved, resented, and was heartbroken over so many, many times. It has taken me awhile to truly sit down and write my thoughts and feelings about where I’ve been these last two years.

I lost myself. I let who I love consume my life. I forgot how to love myself. I became a victim of broken promises. I lost respect for myself. I allowed the person I loved to continue harming me emotionally every time I accepted his apologies. I didn’t listen to myself. I second guessed my intuition, when all this time it kept telling me the truth. I was empty. I became so empty that I couldn’t function in my daily life, in my hobbies, in my passions. I became depressed and sought nothing more but to end my life because my marriage wasn’t working. Where did I go?

Two months ago, I experienced the most terrifying thing in my life that I could imagine. After two years of what felt like a slow emptying of myself through tears, arguments, late night drives to cool off, and constant forgiving and believing in someone who promised to change, I became a victim of abuse in 20 minutes of the most traumatic experience of my life. How could someone who says they love me do this to me? Writing this isn’t easy, and the anxiety and stress from the trauma still creep into my spirit, but I hope that my story can help you understand what it means to get out before it’s too late and how you can find hope in this tragedy.

My life was threatened by someone I love and in those 3 breathless seconds that I experienced, my life became more important to save than the love and broken marriage I was in. I managed to get out safely and report the incident to the police and soon after I moved my belongings out. Where did I go? I went to heal myself and protect everything that has ever made me full of the love that has given me my life, my soul, and spirit.

“Where did I go?” was a question I asked myself countless times throughout the day, ruminating on the past and what signals I should have taken a closer look at that got me to this place in my life. I stopped writing. I stopped feeling. I stopped expressing myself through love in ways that brought me joy. And for what? To be with a man who did not even know how to understand his own source of love, and falsely propose to give you what you needed in a partnership?

I blame myself for not having taken the time to truly test the waters and swim in the ocean of love long enough to know that a person I was going to marry is someone I could trust in turbulent and calm waters. I was a fool for believing so quickly in eloquent words and in the ideal that he would come to learn how to become himself through me. That he could grow with me. But ultimately, I did not have that kind of influence or power, no matter how hard I tried to inspire and motivate him to be the best version of himself that he could be. No matter how hard I tried to set an example of good habits and values, it was of no use if he didn’t care to practice these things in his own life.

At one point, I thought I was the crazy one—he would tell me I was crazy and was overly sensitive and should just “sleep things off”. I wish I had known not to have given so much of my love and effort to someone who was incredibly stubborn and prideful. The toxicity sucked every ounce of my empathy and compassion for myself that I became so disillusioned by the state of my marriage. In essence, I became a reflection of him during that time—picking up his habits because he wouldn’t compromise with mine, suppressing my emotions because he couldn’t express himself, not speaking or hanging out with friends or family as often because he didn’t like people knowing about us, becoming a complete hermit because he didn’t have any interest in making friends or hanging out with mine, making excuses for his absence at family parties or events because he was too anti-social, and all of this in hindsight, I see now, was enabling his behavior every time I forgave him and protected his values. I felt so unloved and neglected.

This was not a marriage or relationship I could tolerate any longer.

I had wanted so much to be married, but this was not the marriage the Universe and the Divine had intended for me. I wanted so much to believe that all the things he shared with me were true, and maybe some of it was, but our love for each other was felt in two different ways that could not grow together.

So often we forget to heed the wisdom of those who come before us and have felt love. While some are lucky to really know when they know the one, I find a lot of comfort and value in the thought that you cannot know unless you both have felt the treasure of time separately, first, and then, together. That with the treasure of time, you each would choose to live with intent and awareness in growing your self-love and learn to understand what compassion and empathy look and feel like because when you have that, the rest is simple when you choose to marry. When you have a sense of self respect for your love and your values then you already know what you must do to protect the love and values of the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with.

I don’t regret having gotten married and then disappearing for two years from my passions. I do regret not leaving sooner when the relationship was at its breaking point several times. I know that I am stronger than I feel or think and I am happy that I got out when I did, but how did I miss the warning signs? Signs that my intuition had pointed me to look at closer, but then I’d second guess myself. Warning signs found in the constant refusal of a substance abuse problem, lies masked in wordy excuses, denials and circular conversations, financial mismanagement and disorganization in goals and ambitions, broken promises and emotional neglect, refusal to understand on an emotional level, and pride that was prioritized first before the love and feelings of the partner you chose.

So many vows were broken. I never thought someone I love could emotionally and physically hurt me so much. In moments where the anxiety and PTSD creep in, I tell myself, “I am so sorry, Noemi. I am so sorry this happened to you.”

And in between the moments where my eyes well up and my throat is in a knot, I exhale a deep breath and hear my soul whisper, “But you are immensely loved. Do not forget the gift I have given solely to you in this life”.

I am crying as I write because I feel so sorry for having turned my heart away momentarily from what has always sparked my life and spirit: my own source of love.

It is an ever growing source that will never betray me or hurt me as long as I continue to believe and nurture it.

The end of this marriage has also reminded me of the one thing that has stayed true and constant in my life thus far: that my intuition is part of the gift I have been given to understand and express the truths of love and life in my time. In hindsight, it has been the silent compass of my soul, directing me to what I know is my divine purpose in this world. While the direction that it is going remains a complete mystery to me, I can trust that the direction will always be that of growth if I choose it to be. A huge part of my heart and soul have been emptied by this traumatic experience and the ones I experienced in the duration of my two years of absence. I have drowned and have been broken in love and after all of it, here I am.

I am a survivor.
I am stronger than I have ever been.
That there is hope after tragedy.

I am always reminded by the resilience of nature and how life and death is a cycle that can be seen in its seasons. This was a great and turbulent season of my life. It has washed away so much of what I had grown and yet there I am in pieces, scattered throughout the soil of my broken heart and soul like seeds, waiting to be nurtured and grown again—that in time, I will rise and become the garden of my love, once again.

I am so grateful for the friends and family who have shown me so much love and support during this difficult time. They are the ones who help water the soil of your brokenness while you take the time to make sense of the chaos of it all and heal from it. They are the ones who are truly heaven-sent to ensure your path is always comforted by reminders of real love and joy.

Having endured this momentary absence from my own life and the traumatic experience at the end of it, I realize that the process of my emptying in this marriage was necessary for me to learn so that I could understand how to grow myself again when destruction and chaos come to uproot everything.

It was a necessary emptying so that all I had left was everything that I began with—the foundation, the soil, the earth, the nothingness and everything, the messiness, the beauty and hope of starting all over again with the only tools I needed: my hands, my heart, my mind, my soul, my faith, my choice to live again in this emptiness in time, where darkness can be abundance, and death can bring new life.

I see now. How important it is to empty ourselves, whether that be emotionally or spiritually. I see now. How time is our silent friend in all matters of life, death, and love. That this emptiness in time that we all experience at one point in our lives, is one of the greatest reflections of love that call to the depths of our inner self to feel the incredible lightness and plasticity, magic and resilience of our divine soul.

Carnal Presence: Underneath It All

We long for it constantly: the need to feel loved, a hunger for another being to touch our deepest selves; a warm heart and a kind ear to release our selves to; a hug we can fall apart in; laughter we can feel rising from the veins of our skin; other humans we can share our darkest selves and feel safe with; the ability to feel free to live and create our lives the way we wished when we were children; to be extremely honest with ourselves and others and still share a love so fierce with passion.

I was drawn to an article about falling in love and how it took 36 Questions and 4 minutes of staring into another stranger’s eyes to fall in love. The article went viral of course and I studied how people reacted to it. I was amused by how people treated this “breakthrough study”. Some understood the underlying reason for it, but other publications I read wrote about it as if it were something so completely unheard of. Human vulnerability? Having a conversation face to face, eye to eye? Sharing your story and self with another human? Unheard of–in the age of hyper-connectivity and artificial semi-connectedness, that is. It blows me away how we’ve conditioned ourselves to live in a world where human connection, and I mean real human connection, is now a scarcity that we’ve built ways to commodify it through Tindr, OkCupid, Match.com, EHarmon(e)y, etc. Now more than ever, you will most likely hear, “We met online”, “Our first date was through Tindr”, “We just hit it off on EHarmoney”, “I couldn’t believe I found the one”. Now, some connections made through these sites can actually become something really awesome, but I find that to be rare. Have we really reduced love to mere exchanges on Tindr? Yes, we have.

To have love and feel love, you need to have connection. Connection with one’s inner self and true sensory and temporal connection with another human being. You no doubt try to stay “connected” when physical distance keeps you and your loved ones apart so you use the phone, text, Facebook, email, and that’s important. But your body–your human, carnal body and raw (soul) self, sculpted by the forces of natural selection over millennia, was not designed for the abstractions of long-distance love, the “xoxos” or “lols”, no.

Your body and your soul hunger for more. You hunger to feel wild and beautiful with someone. You hunger to feel safe and free with someone. You hunger to feel and share an experience so moving that all the layers of you, unravel.

There is a carnal presence that exists in us, and it’s found in all the hungers that we crave to express and feel. We crave to feel connected, yet we fear sharing our honest selves with people and strangers. We crave to feel understood and comforted, yet we fear the embarrassment and humiliation we might get for feeling what we do. We crave to fall in love and find a partner who will run wild with us, yet we fear facing how to love and explore the depths of ourselves. We crave to follow our dreams and passions, yet we cower at the thought of criticism.

One of the scariest things that could happen to humanity, is the loss and scarcity of what it means to feel a real human connection. We are already experiencing this now. We get a little anxious when we receive a phone call instead of a text. We get a little surprised when a stranger tells us a story on the morning commute to work. We hurry into relationships and expect instant growth and years of love jam-packed in a few months, and feel heartbroken that it didn’t unfold fast enough. We’ve forgotten that things that are worth growing, take time and require our patience and full awareness–our full carnal presence–to create the rooted connections we want. To bear fruit on any tree, you must water it. You must frequent it with your presence and nurture it. To strengthen and expand the deep rooted connections with yourself and others, you must show up and care to bare your soul and real-time presence to the effort of growth, however much it hurts. The amount of love and connection you feel and receive depend on the frequency of your carnal presence with yourself and others. Are you extremely honest and wholehearted about what exists in your mind–the thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations, the whole thing that adds up to what we call “me” or “I”? No one else can really sort out what opens up your world or what seems to keep you going in circles in some kind of repetitive misery but you. Choose to be a better human. Allow the presence of your true self to shake and settle in your skin.1521356_765664756796758_1122453004_n

You can choose to live a life fearful of your carnal presence and all that is underneath your skin or you can choose to live a life that is wholly you, wholly everything that you feel inside your heart and soul. You can choose to surround yourself around artificial semi-connectedness, or you can get outside and explore, say “hello”, start a conversation, tell a story about something you’ve experienced, look into another person’s eyes and laugh together, share a time where you were sad and lonely with a complete stranger, and maybe, just maybe, spark a mutual shared sense of deep aliveness and attention to the world.

I ask you please, do not be afraid to pour yourself, and express with paramount, your wholeness, your rawness, your vulnerability, your soul’s longing to be human in our artificially connected world, your fearless yet compassionate carnal presence.

I would not ever wish for this world, after we are long gone, to look at love as a myth or real human connection as an archaic thing humans no longer need. When you are aware of yourself and who you are, and you follow your heart and intention, you give this world and the rest of humanity another chance to make things better. You give the world and yourself growth to cultivate real human connections and real presence. When you show unwavering kindness to others and are honest to the core, you give others an opportunity to feel what hope and love are like. Please, I ask you, don’t be afraid to live your human self on a deeper level. Go deeper into yourself and discover that darkness, that lightness, the things that burn, burn, burn you to the ground like ashes and lift you like smoke. Pay close attention to what you choose to be aware of in this world and what you are aware of about yourself.

I hope that someday, you’ll understand that the only thing worth earning, growing, and experiencing is a life filled with real moments of human connection with yourself and with others. Underneath it all, we long to feel the nature and force of our carnal presence, loved and protected by another soul brave enough to share theirs. Understand yourself underneath it all, and be aware. Create a kind of awareness to yourself and the world that opens the hearts and minds of others to this awareness, but most of all, project a kind of feeling that awakens the consciousness of other souls longing to understand and feel this human life.

Yours,

N

A Deeper Kind of Journey

For most of us, the New Year means setting new goals and resolutions to: get out more, be more active, lose weight, get a new job, work a little less and spend a little more time with family, meet new people, find the “one”, get a new look, whatever. Reaching the edge of the end of a year and the view of a new one is always a perfect time to reflect on all that we’ve been through this last year and see the places we’ve left behind and the horizons we have yet to conquer. For me, 2014 was a year of growth and risk. I felt myself truly grow creatively, spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. There were moments of pure bliss and ecstasy whenever I reached a surprising height and a view so breathtaking I wanted more of it, and then there were moments where everything inside of me felt emptied out like a dry river bed aching for the winter snow to melt and bring in a rush of water. There were people I met who lifted me and others who drained me of my source of love, and when the last few hours of the year came near, I understood then, that everyone I met, and all the things I felt and places I’ve seen, were all part of my journey–my ascent–to see the beautiful horizon that lay ahead of me. I climbed and trudged through difficult terrain and braved through many storms to reach this breathtaking view, and even though I am proud and happy for having done so, I know that these mountains will not be the only landscapes I’ll journey through.IMG_1527

I spent the last weekend of 2014 camping in the Anza Borrego desert. It’s a different kind of feeling from hiking in the mountains where you have a goal in mind: to summit to the top and see the view.

Life is that way: ascending towards the ultimate view and that captivating feeling of awe with all that surrounds you at the top.

You don’t have an ascent or a peak that you hike to in the desert, no. The desert has something entirely different. It has a sacred depth hidden in the vast emptiness of its nature. The mountains surround you from afar like a comforting friend keeping a watchful eye on you, but the desert offers something more than friendship. It offers a journey to find the beauty of a dry land so immensely quiet and bare in its naked skin. It offers a journey to listen and hear the sounds of the gentle wind and the crackling of a star dazzling in the cold night sky. It offers a journey to understand what it means to be in awe of everything and nothing, at the same time.

I peeked out of my warm sleeping bag a couple of times to surprise the stars with my eyes and I felt like they were giggling at me as they twinkled across the velvet blackness of space saying, “Don’t be so afraid to come out and dance with us. You are one of us, too. Warm and bright. Get out of that silly heat bag.” Despite it being nearly 30ºF, I laughed back and in a rush of adrenaline, hopped out of my sleeping bag and danced underneath the light of my distant friends. It’s a beautiful feeling to surround yourself around the serenity of a landscape that is sparse with vegetation and immensely enchanting.

anzoborregostars01

Life is that way. And you move through time and your days in that way: not ever really knowing what lay ahead in the sparse nothingness that surrounds you. So when you walk through a desert and admire the resiliency of life when things are bare and naked, you understand that life can only really be lived in such a bare and naked way–a way that allows us to go deeper into the vast emptiness and create with our unique magic and love, an inner life rich with vegetation and enchantment from the stars we shine.

You begin to understand that even though life is an ascent towards something, life is also a vast and infinite horizon that we must keep moving forward in. 

My word and anchor for 2015 is deeper. In the desert I felt a very deep connection to all that was around me: The nothingness. My skin, cold from the unforgiving sand underneath me. The quiet whispers and tenderness of the wind in my ears. The children in the stars, playing and taking their turns to shoot and dazzle for the moon. The way nothing felt so comforting like a blanket keeping me warm. I danced until I couldn’t feel my fingertips or toes on the sand, and let the desert take me deeper into myself to feel a real ecstasy that only surrendering to love could make you feel. This last year was a very challenging year to ascend and climb through, but I understand now, that deeper is where I need to go. In the desert, you find that deepness, that rawness and bare nakedness that summons you to go forth and move towards the depths of living.

This year, I want (and I hope you might want to do so too) to love more deeply in such a way that stirs up a chaos of fire and new life inside another soul that a society where love is matched through online dating sites, Tinder, and Ok Cupid, fall to its knees and beg for a deeper love like that; to kiss more deeply and hug more deeply in such a way that society stops and wonders what it’s like to feel a real human bond–stomach to stomach, heart to heart, lips to lips, eye to eye, soul to soul; to connect with people more deeply in such a way that the only value exchanged is our laughter and the memories we create together; to gaze and appreciate more deeply in a society that has lost what it means to have patience in a fast-paced instant world where we can have everything at the palm of our hands; to create and make art more deeply in such a way that breaks old grounds and stirs up a new kind of consciousness; to learn with a deeper curiosity in a society that no longer favors exploration of the soul and mind but rather, the exploration in possessing and amassing items that do not serve our highest selves; to speak and think more deeply in a world where very few understand what it means to really connect and share yourself with another human being; to live more deeply in such a way that my unique soul and magic can manifest and grow to inspire others to do the same.

10299113_867096639996035_3860775262950361297_n

I want you to understand, that in this life we will climb plenty of mountains. Most of us see a peak that challenges us and we make our plans and set out a course to get to the top. But in this life, we cannot avoid the deserts we must walk through. They exist in us the day we are born and can only be appreciated when we turn our eyes and heart into ourselves and see the vast emptiness we’ve created in our lives through hiding our talents and magic, fearing our passions for comfort and security, turning to our phones for passionless connections, and being a coward to living the life that wants to live through you in this time and space. Your soul and spirit are infinite, but the human life you have is not. We live in a time where we are planning ways to make the human body live forever as if such a thing is natural. There is a season for everything–take a look around you. Your soul and your passions, your talents and unique magic are aching to be lived through your human life. They want to manifest through you in a way that their other star siblings were not given a chance to do. We are truly are an impossibility living in an impossible Universe. How magical, crazy, and enchanting is that?

Turn your eyes towards yourself, darling.

Climb your mountains and grow strong enough to love and see the world when you reach the top–the Universe needs that from you, but it also needs you to be empty enough to sit down with the sparse nothingness and terror of the desert and be humble at the same time with its worse horrors. Turn your eyes towards the horizons and depths of your inner-self and love, and all the passions that burn within you, darling. When you walk through a desert and feel the comfort of the wind grazing your skin and the lashes of your eyes, and find your two feet on a solid ground that will keep you steady at your own pace, remember that you are on a deeper kind of journey that only requires you to move forward along the horizon, in any direction that your heart wants to follow.

clarkdrylake_anzaborrego

That is how you grow. You keep walking. You keep moving. Closer, deeper, going further into yourself, going further into your art and magic, going further into your love and light, going further into your passion and ambition to live your human life the way your soul has wanted it to for so many decades.

This is what it means to live with full awareness of the nature that is within you: the mountains and the desert, the ascent into everything and the movement towards the abundance of nothingness.

What a feeling it is to sleep under the winter stars in the desert. A free and wild yet comforting kind of feeling. You hear nature in its most rawness, and it hears you in your journey towards a deeper kind of love. And when your cold-rimmed eyes shut and you hear the sound of your pounding heart burning through your veins and your thoughts escalating towards the heavens and your soul reaching for the infinite, listen closely.

This is when you will discover what it means to be a soul living and loving. This is when you will understand what it means to live a truly human experience.

Yours,

N

My Stars My Destination

I used to crave love and fall for the person who gave me the care I wanted as soon as it was given to me. I used to think that just because someone wanted to spend time with you, it was automatically a gesture of potential interest. I used to think that kind actions and charming words were the right way to love me, but then I learned, over and over again, through many people who never earned my most true and raw love, that a love that is worth it, will be earned honestly and whole-heartedly by someone who is fearless enough to handle me. I’ve had my fair share of strong-willed and passionate individuals, but as we float in the endless ocean of possibilities when it comes to love, we find that we settle for what we think we need and work towards creating a powerful chemistry that did not wholly exist in the beginning. I used to think that my love was a little strange and a little too intense for anyone to handle, but then I remember, how amazingly special it feels to experience something so intense it is indescribable. Not many people will get to experience that kind of intensity that love brings, but I am lucky to have tasted it in my heart and my thoughts.

I want you to remember, that in your journey to create yourself and discover the abundance of love that exists in you, do not ever settle. Do not ever settle. It is worth the time and care and love that it takes to discover that most intense love you will be given. We will meet people who may come close and pique our intrigue or say sweet things and send smiley faces at every end of a message, but understand this, your love–that source of infinite terror and beauty–is worthy of only those who earn the loyalty, safety, and care that it needs to grow. You will meet people who will sweep you off your feet with their gentle words and kind mannerisms, but do not be fooled, anyone can be charming. Anyone will say and do what they need to do in order to get what they want, and you will never know their true intentions until after you’ve learned more about each other.

Relationships take time to create. Real ones will last.

You’ll be given love, and you’ll be taken care of. 

It takes discipline, but I understand now, how important it is to save your heart for someone who would be madly in love with you, for years and years. It is unfair to the spirit of love to give and share anything less than madness and the infatuation that comes with passion and rawness. People will come and go and take you out to nice places and give you sweet kisses that you long for everyday, but that kind of love is practice. We practice love with different kinds of people to learn what we like and the qualities and traits that make sense of the chaos inside of us. But the truth is, when you meet someone who makes you feel like the world is a better place because you’re in it and you exist, love becomes what it truly is: infinite. I like to think that love vibrates at different frequencies for everyone. It’s all around us if we listen closely.What we all aspire to have is a love that vibrates at a higher frequency–a kind that pulses with symbiotic waves that complement each other and produce a melodic harmony that both individuals benefit from, separately and together. It is a melodic dance that we crave to experience and hold.

1461259_10152146640351253_1915028582_n

We do not know it, but we crave to be vulnerable with someone who would accept us for all the things we are. We want true love, but we don’t know how to appreciate or be considerate of the other person’s time. We want true affection and a nurturing kind of love, but we don’t know how to put down our phones or say “I love you” just because or say how we really feel. We want to feel real human connections, but we don’t know how to let go of our anxieties and insecurities and feel comfortable in our own vulnerability. We want to spend more time together, but we make up silly excuses to avoid getting closer and sharing in each other’s lives. When we create a space based on fear, we grow further away from love.

You must understand that it is possible to be who you are and be honest about it, wholeheartedly, while protecting your most rare source of love that should only be shared for those who earn the presence to be around it. I am learning this as I move through the practice of love. I must constantly remind myself how important it is to who I’ve become and all the things I value, that I meet someone(s) who dare(s) to show me the protection and passion a lasting love deserves.

Your time here is precious. Your love, even more. Do not waste it on those people or things that do not grow your light. Spend your time around people and places that earn your rawness and your most passionate love and loyalty.

1010145_588872541240195_6031164481025143709_nThe people that do this are the stars you should be surrounded by, because these are the stars that will bring the best and brightest out of you for years. And if you don’t already know, these stars already exist in you. Be careful of those who dim your light, there will be plenty of them that question your burning truths and rawness. Burn anyway. The universe needs more stars to fall in love with because without them, we would have no destination or depth to reach for. Without them, we would not see the reflections of time and how beautiful it can be to burn brightly through the ages.

So please, reach for your stars. Surround yourself around them. Burn brightly and seek those who fuel your flame. Let that be your destination. The journey, is just practice you should enjoy. You will know when you have reached your destination when you feel your love becoming brighter and stronger from the protection and loyalty to your growth given by someone who will earn and care for your love.

You’ll be given love and you’ll be taken care of. It may not come from the sources you’ve poured yourself in. It may not come from the direction you’re standing in, but trust your inner light, and burn brightly all around you. Nature has a way of sending and giving you the things you ask for when you least expect it.

Yours,

N

I’ve Been Waiting For You

Falling asleep is not easy when you’ve got an intense need to express and create. My mind wanders into the depths of my imagination and creativity at all hours, but are more vibrant and pulsating in the early morning hours and late nights. I thought about writing this post in different ways, but decided I share a personal anecdote instead, because why not? Maybe you’ll find some resonance in it.

IIMG_8717t was a humid morning and I had just finished splashing the water in my favorite violet polka dotted swimsuit. My grandpa or “lolo” in Tagalog, picked me up to take me to my grandma (my lola) to have me get ready for my first birthday celebration. Our house was buzzing with a cacophony of people setting up the tables, our maids laying out the food, and kids (invited and non-invited) hovering around the pile of gifts and birthday cake. I only remember how strange it all seemed to me–this big party with all these people and all these party things around me, all just to see me in a dress with no hair because my mom shaved my head the week before (which is why I’m wearing a party hat in that picture). I remember thinking, “I just want the scoops of ice cream from the neighborhood ice cream man vendor my lolo hired and to play with my (imaginary) friends.” As much as everything around me looked like fun, I just wanted to be in my “happy space”–and that usually was by myself in places that would evoke my curiosity and imagination. I bring this memory up because for as long as I could remember, I have always lived inwardly than most of my family, friends and peers, and because of it, I have always felt a little more disconnected with the “normal” world and the “normal” way of doing things.

I grew up in a very white community in the valley where the cool thing to do was go and play in the wash or play hide and seek at a trailer park. My english was terrible and I took ESL until the 6th grade. I was made fun of a lot because no one knew what a Filipino was so I was instantly classified as being Chinese. I was an alien, an outcast of some sort with tan skin and a strange uneven haircut who wore mismatched second hand clothes. I was a pretty good student, but my teachers would always say I was too quiet or non-responsive (haha!) to their instructions and questions that it led them to believe I was “troubled”. In reality, I found no solace or comfort in the structures they were placing on me. I wanted to live out my imagination and push people to think about what else there was besides what was given to them on paper. I made friends (eventually) with all sorts of people: the super-smart straight A kids, the mormon kids (because they were SO friendly), the unpopular crowd, the popular bitches and cute skater boys, the funny quirky kids, the new kids from Asia (because anyone with chinky eyes were just stereotyped for being from Asia) and my favorite, the open and imaginative kids that made a realm of their own. I never liked to hang out with just one group of people–it was just too boring that way. I liked all kinds of people and welcomed different ways of thought into my circles. I didn’t want to follow the crowd or even listen to what teachers suggested was good for me. I just did what I felt was right and didn’t care about being grouped into one standard model of a kid.

Life was too much of a color-in-the-lines canvas and all I wanted to do was color it with every color outside of the lines.


Too often we’re told at a very young age how we shouldn’t be too much of something. I was “too quiet” and that I needed to participate more and when I tried to, I was “too disruptive” because I didn’t follow the instructions. Too often we live our lives bombarded with all this noise telling us we’re “too much” because of something or “too little” because we didn’t try. For the most part, my living “inwardly” was part of my obsession with just being observant, understanding human behaviors, and trying to make sense of why people sent out strange messages about themselves and the way life should be lived. We spend so much of our life living in a bubble we don’t even know exists until something or someone along the way bursts it and shows us a world full of much more than we thought.

Right now though, there’s a sense of attachment and praise towards outwardly possessions and gratifications. We’re led to believe that we should follow a timeline of accomplishments: go to school, get a good job, buy a house, buy a car, get married, have some babies, raise the babies to become functional humans, and retire with a good pension fund. We’re led to believe that in between these accomplishments, we’re supposed to fill it with stuff so that we could show for our accomplishments. I never understood this, and I never will. While I respect those who want this kind of lifestyle, I want you to think about whether or not YOUR life fits with this timeline.

Sometimes the life we think we want is not the same as the life that wants to live through you.

I was very lucky to learn this early on. As much as I hated trying to follow the norm to get good grades so that my mom and grandparents were happy, I really just wanted ice cream, music, books, a notepad and markers, and to let my imagination run wild.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the life that you think you’ve been living, is probably a life that was molded and given to you to achieve and maintain.

Too often we’re told to do this so that we can be this and have this to be happy about all of this, but what is it all for? To make the ones who have molded your life for you happy? What about you? What about the life that was given to you as a kind of mystery to solve and explore–doesn’t that warrant a chance to manifest in you?

When I was a kid, I said I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up and then 2 minutes later I wanted to be the first asian to win an Oscar, and then 5 minutes later, I just wanted to be Jane Goodall and explore the world with awesome gorillas. The following day, I just wanted to be a club leader for love-struck writers, sharing our collection of CDs with each other and analyzing song lyrics so we could write them to our school crushes.

Everyday, your mind will change. Your heart will want something else, and that’s ok, just as long as you listen to it.

Listen to whatever life wants to be felt in you. I’ve lived quite a few lives at this point (I think I’m on my 5th life) and can tell you that following the mystery and exploring the depths of your own life trying to manifest itself into becoming is a wonderful journey. Sure you’ll get some scars and get made fun of along the way, but you just liveChoose to live your life the way it was given to you, as a gift. Gifts that are given should never be refashioned or molded into something else that it isn’t, and too many of us are asleep to this idea. While I love and value those people who make sure to take care of our life and prepare us with the right tools to live as decent human beings, you must love and value the very life that is aching to taste your creative passion and potential. It is aching to taste your wonder for the world and the deeply sensitive fondness for truth and beauty.

397551_443002159168959_9197152702121229844_n“When you understand that you are the vehicle in which your unique life wants to manifest in, encounters with love become ecstasy. Music and dancing become godlike. Heartache is a wide, somatic wound. Visual natural beauty is jewel-drenched, wild bliss.” – Victoria Erickson

And when you open your eyes tomorrow morning, you’ll finally feel that all it took was directing your passion and spreading your heart only across what clearly matters most: growing and nourishing the life that’s been waiting for you all this time. Listen inwardly as much as possible. If you don’t know how, find the people that lift and inspire your being in places where you thrive. Seek it. They are there if you come unapologetically as you are.

And the life that you’ve been told you should be living? Get off that road, it never was yours. Walk along the path that you want to create for yourself and let your heart steer the direction of your growth, stopping and taking as many detours as you’d like, as long as you come with a fervent belief that this life is all I have and that you must let it live through you. tumblr_ms6duymcvq1qabfuvo3_1280

You don’t need to choose mediocrity or the norm when fire exists. If you hear it early on, listen to it carefully. So what if you’re quiet? Or maybe you’re a trouble-maker. Naysayers will try to devalue and stunt your growth anyways.

But fire is passion and passion is aliveness, and for once in your life, allow your belief to undo all your disbeliefs so that your destiny can hold you in an ecstatic grasp, and yell, “I’ve been waiting for you!”

You are the designer of your life.

You are the artist, the musician, the writer, the dancer, and the scientist of your masterpiece, so make it the marvelous and captivating one that it’s waiting to be.

Yours,

N

A Little Slower, A Little Sweeter.

IMG_0753Lately I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to be the kind of love I want to be, and it all comes down to a simple feeling that we all should learn how to delight in: savoring.

This past Sunday, I took a spontaneous road trip to see the Imperial Sand Dunes. The place is surreal and absolutely breathtaking. You are transported into another world that feels so out of place especially being 2.5 hrs east of charming San Diego. Not many people know about this vast and magical place so very few people were there when I went. The grains of sand are so fine to the touch that you actually become comforted by the way your feet and hands sink in gently. The winds were strong and blew the sand everywhere, but a moment of calm came by surprise, and I took the chance to kneel and let my fingers graze the sand as I closed my eyes to the warm kiss of the sun.

I thought, here I am, in the presence of everything and nothing, and you still mesmerize me. There was something divine about being there. Something so calming yet powerful enough to remind me how close all of life’s beautiful wonders really are– if we only took the moment to savor what is around us. I opened my eyes to see the sinuous trail of ripples left by the winds and felt a sudden rush of awe and surrender. When you let things pass through you and you feel it in all of its rawness and truth, sometimes you are given a beautiful surprise that moves you beyond words. Savoring does this to you.

IMG_0718Savoring the moment our eyes grow mad with curiosity and intrigue for something or someone that ignites our soul. Savoring the places we travel to, however near or far, and the people we meet along the way–they all teach and give us a little taste of life different than ours. Savoring the hours we have with our lovers, no matter how short-lived the romance and intensity could be, and allowing every word and touch that spills out of you to be wholesome and true to your hearts at that very moment. Savoring the times we find ourselves in the darkness in search of finding beauty in unlikely places. Savoring the passing conversations we have with strangers or even distant family members and friends, and never letting an opportunity to connect and share love sincerely with one another.

I thought about this the other day as I was expressing my perspective on heartbreak and personal growth with a friend, that love is so simple and dating or “courting” would be so much easier if we knew how to savor each other, rather than pushing ourselves too soon and too quickly with someone (or anything for that matter) to fall in love with. I am guilty, though, for taking delight in the moment and forgetting to taste things slowly sometimes. In these moments, I find myself pausing and asking two questions:

Will this be the only chance we’ll ever feel this way? 

Do we both recognize in each other, and in ourselves, the gratitude and bittersweet truth of the present? 

It’s a difficult balance to savor something you know is so exquisite and memorable to have right away.

We are so consumed by instant gratification in our lives, that it is becoming a natural part of ourselves we are beginning to be blind–and ultimately–disabled by in our growth and love. “I wish I had taken it slower” is something we’ve all said to ourselves at one point. “I wish I spent more time with the people who loved and cared about me and said what I felt” is a very familiar and common thing we hear now. When you are learning how to savor, learn how to savor in the magic of manifesting your true self and the beautiful complexities of your being. Many of my friends are “waking up” from their slumber and are now discovering that there is more to life than what they’ve known and that there is more to the being we thought we were.

You have to understand, sweet darling, that even though we can be one big paradox, our complexities are what make growing and understanding worth the journey to experience and to savor all of the calm moments and intensities of the here and now, wherever you are in your life, is what others need to be surrounded and inspired by. To deepen relationships, with yourself and others, you must be willing to open yourself up. Vulnerability is the key to emotional bonding, without which relationships tend to feel superficial and meaningless, and knowing how to savor an experience is how we create more abundance and gratitude in our lives and others. Because how else could we savor in this moment together if we didn’t share our vulnerabilities and true selves with one another?

IMG_0716

So tomorrow, when you eat all of that delicious food and drink a luscious and smooth blend of red wine in the company of good friends, new friends, family and new family, take a moment to savor life and all the different cups it gives you: the places, the people, the moments, the fear, the confusion, the short-lived romances, the heartbreaking romances, the family we wish to be closer with, the friends we wish to reconnect with, the fascinating wonders your mind is drawn to, the ache from laughter, the what-ifs and why-nots that compel your creativity, and the moments that make your heart stop and feel time slow down. And when these seconds grab you, feel:

This. Savor this. Savor me. Savor you. Savor the here and now that we are together in this shared experience. 

Remember that.

You will always remember the places and people and experiences that have made you feel something profound. And all it takes to grow a little better every day, is to savor the people who are here in your life and everything that comes and goes your way just a little slower, a little sweeter, darling.

IMG_0697

 

Yours,

N

Meditations of a Restless Romantic

Lately I’ve been feeling a lot more restless than usual. I am beginning to think there’s a trend here–that my constant movement and transitional state of growth is far too intense for some of the people that cross my paths. Ever since February 2009, I vowed to myself as I lay on the carpet of my bedroom with several hours of tears soaked onto my skin that I would never, ever, be ashamed to express the things I felt or blame my burning passions for never giving me what I desired most. Since then, I have found myself in a constant fluctuation in love, growth, pain, experimentation of all that my curiosities chased, and the cities my life and breath experienced. When I reflect back on my life since February 2009, I started off at the peak of things. I finished college and landed a nearly $50K job with amazing benefits and found myself moving closer to a kind of descent into nothingness. The job itself made me realize a lot about humanity and all the things that mattered to me in life. Leaving that job gave me everything I needed to know about the importance of placing my values first and foremost.

My restlessness did not stop there. I searched, and I still search, for a complementary intensity–one that is fueled by the pure desire to be all, and feel all, with one’s true heart and feelings. So much of our world is so easily gratified by the instantaneous “likes” and comments that feed our ego, but what is happening is something truly heart-breaking. In as much as social media has brought us closer, it has made us MORE AFRAID to share our own vulnerability and the sincerity of our soul to one another. I hear a lot about how dating and meeting someone to be in a relationship with has become difficult, but really, the only difficulty I see is the cowardice of not sharing one’s true and best self to one another. How much easier it would be if we could just express ourselves? Yes, we would like to protect our fears and insecurities, but if you loved yourself enough, you would know how to rebuild those things even if someone were to break or take your love for granted.

I have been with many types of people and have been fortunate to have loved almost all of them, each with different intensities. My love grew and grew, and I knew then, that falling in love was never limited to just one person, it was infinite. When you have fallen in love, the experience itself is a door that opens like an elevator, and with each floor that you stop at, you only go higher and higher, experiencing love in a different depth and height. I moved through my love with the people I met and the places and experiences I’ve been able to taste, with as much acceptance and resilience to move forward, each and every time my heart was broken, but some nights, like tonight–I feel restless. Something in my soul craves and desires the not-so-ordinary. I know my love and who I am is not your ordinary kind of love. I am all the things that I love and I do my very best to nourish each part of my selves. I may be scared sometimes, but I will never choose fear over the prospect of growing my love and compassion in some way. If you ever fall in love or have the chance to have your heart broken, remember that love can only grow stronger when it has withstood the seasons of pain, heartbreak, madness, and stagnancy.

You will love again. And you will love stronger and stronger each time.

Completely letting go of the one person I thought my life and my future could be with was the most difficult choice I had to make. We were best friends, passionate lovers, boundless soulmates, and the one person I wanted to share my life with. We fought well and we made up always with a tender affection–except for the last time. Years together and apart taught me so much about myself and the capacity of my love and my partner’s capacity to love. You can never dictate how someone you love will grow–only they can be the one to do that. Love grows together and it also grows apart, but even if it grows apart, each of us grow, and we need that. My intensity was growing and it was vibrating at a rapid frequency. It was clear that I hungered for more. It was clear that the sounds from my heart were strumming with a melodic enchantment to the world around and within me. I no longer was ashamed for all the things I felt or scared to express my devotion to one person. We toiled through our relationship in a very rare and unique way, and because of how we did it, I learned so much about the difference between commitment and devotion, love and a higher form of it that was grounded on gratitude, moments together, and the most open and honest communication I could not have ever imagined having with a partner.

But I was restless and I always will be. I taste and see life a little differently than most, and sometimes it scares people because they won’t know how to react or interact with my intensity, and other times, a feverish curiosity and intrigue grabs them, but almost always, nothing feeds my soul like a passionate mind full of rawness and truth and unabashed curiosity to the arts, creativity, and the music of life.

I want no ordinary love. I want to drown in passion and be ravished every night, because that is how I want to live my very short time in this human flesh I have been given on this beautiful emerald rock.

It took me many heartbreaks and many joys to come to this realization, but I realize now how important it is to constantly grow myself and grow my love as honestly and courageously as possible with any one who chooses to be just as fearless with their love and share it with me. I must thank my beloved scientist for this gift he parted with me. You see, he was killed and my heart broke in a million different ways I never thought I could fathom feeling. The only words that mattered to us more than love were three simple words that bound our spirits and our experience together in the most beautiful way that truth could give: Don’t doubt this.” I remind myself of this constantly. So when I give myself to you and spare my time for you, please understand that it is because I am choosing to take the little time I have in my short life, to share something real with you– if you are willing and brave enough to do the same.

I am restless now because I am tired. Tired of feeling like I must conform or turn my volume down a little so that I can be “liked”. You never want to admit it, until you fall in love with someone and feel your heart expand and contract with the wave of your emotions and growth, but you already know that the intensity and the madness of it all is worth living for–so why live your life with less intensity because you are not with your one true love?

When you begin to live your life with all of your heart as if you were in love with the relationship to your spirit and soul, you begin to realize the things that you should value most in a shared connection: loyalty, friendship, trust, kindness, and gratitude.

IMG_8190

All these things will equate and move you towards discovering yourself and the partner that will have loved you all this time that you two have been apart. Surround yourself with the souls and spaces that groove alongside your own–the ones that also desire to chase the beauty, courage and freedom we’re all here to teach each other.

Promise yourself to move forward. Promise yourself to be unapologetically you and all the things you love. Love with reckless abandon. Love with honesty and kindness. Love even if you might get your heart broken again. Love because the intensity makes life so much more worthwhile and enjoyable.

Yours,

N

Northern Lights – A Eulogy to A Love Lost

I always imagined I’d wear a beautiful white dress for you and watch you in amazement while you walked towards me. I always imagined I could finally be right and ready for you, and share all the truths of love, being, and growing in the sacred blessing of our souls meeting. I always imagined that we could be different and still want each other like the moon chases the sun. My created dreams of you and me, traveling to foreign landscapes and filling ourselves up with life and the moments we’d breath together are hazy wishful thoughts that fade like the fog meeting the break of dawn.

You were whole for me once and I took it for granted. We were young and naïve and knew nothing. And though time split us apart and took us down our own journeys in the 1.6 million minutes we lived without each other, the universe spoke—and with its humming sounds reaching far into our separate depths, its waves came and pushed our currents back into each other again. I was different and so were you. We filled our time acknowledging the moment and promised to be friends forever. We fought for one another’s right to protect the love and happiness we deserved, and because of it we grew to understand each other and the true beauty of our humanness.

I chose you, from the moment I set my lips on yours that night. I wasn’t certain what it would create, I only knew that my heart opened its gate and let the water flood my veins and engulf me. For months, I thought that I could love you away from all of my different selves—that I could somehow, nurture and preserve the sanctity of the love that existed between us away from our individual desires. I was confident in the way my heart spoke and convinced we were different than most, and while I believe we are, a part of me realizes that free-will is a choice only a person can make for themselves. Love is all encompassing and transforms itself constantly. I know now, more than ever, how important it is to be present—to really be present with your heart and yourself.

Surrendering myself to presence wasn’t always easy—that was your nature. My mind and thoughts were prisoners of time and memories that I let dictate the truths of my heart. I lost you, and it was completely my own doing. No matter what had happened, I vowed to do my best to love again. I feel the growth that’s happening in my heart now and realize how important it is to truly be aware and conscious of the present: To be completely honest and vulnerable to all matters of the heart. I never want to lose a chance to allow myself and my heart the feeling of expressing its deepest truths, admiration, and devotion to someone. I never want to live as a prisoner of my own time-created fears in place of living and discovering the uncharted territories of the vast garden that is my love.

I remember closing my eyes as I watched the sunset cascade its beautiful colors in the sky and thought,

Unconditional love is not time bound. That even when the sun sets, it rises somewhere else. If we want to see the light and feel its warmth, we only need to choose to love and trust daily like the sun trusts the moon to keep our darkest paths lit.

I always imagined I could be that person who would scare all your fears away and hold the wonderful and brave angel that you are. I always imagined what it would be like to have fully lived out our love the way it should have all those lifetimes ago. A part of ourselves has found each other in this lifetime. It’s taken lifetimes and many cycles of life to bring the pieces together. It’s likely that we’ll never become whole because our souls haven’t found all the pieces yet. We are incomplete spirits searching for all the billions of pieces of its one true self. We have been lucky to experience such awareness of each others meeting, and I only hope that we can meet again in all the lifetimes we’ll have and reunite our pieces to complete each other even if we are not yet whole.

I always imagined that was what love meant to the universe: a dark vastness filled with burning holes that light up the heavenly skies, showing all who choose to see the undeniable, majestic wholeness.

Until we meet again, my love.

The Crazy Ones: Why Love is an Art of Being

Photo by: Stephanie Dandan, Infinite Satori

Photo by: Stephanie Dandan, Infinite Satori

I’ve been told plenty of times that I’m crazy.

“You’re crazy…”

“..for leaving a beautiful city and a comfortable  job at the hottest tech start-up, for being a woman and travelling alone to different countries and sleeping on trains and couches, for going to a private school that put you $60K in debt, for breaking my heart because you’ll never meet anyone who will love you like I do, for saying what you said to him–‘do you know who he is?’, for not taking that job because you would have been set for life, for not listening to what’s been done before…”

I realize I could continue that list for pages, but the truth is, the criticism will never end. I will always have people telling me why they think I’m crazy, but here’s the thing–I already knew that I was crazy and will likely stay that way for the rest of my life.

Because if crazy means that I get to follow my heart and create my life the way that I want, then I’d rather be a crazy human being who lives the madness of  love than a prisoner of fear and societal construction.

Ever since I left San Francisco, I’ve been on a continual quest to create my own destiny and life without compromising my true purpose in life. I moved to Los Angeles thinking I’d be a kick-ass Producer and could start over in the Entertainment industry, but I got sucked into the comfy lifestyle of a monthly salary and the hopes of someday “making enough to quit my job and be a writer”. I worked 10- to 15-hour days and would always come home feeling completely brain fried, like a zombie on auto-pilot, only feeding myself with dinner and catching up on the latest in my news feed. I would crave for just a little bit of time to write my novel and short stories, sometimes waking up at 4:30am to court my muse until I had to put her back in the cage and put on my “professional” face for the next 15 hours.

Living that way, ate away my smile and my soul, and I soon began to feel like a prisoner. It only took an observation of the people and environment I was in to help me realize, that there’s not enough people out there who stand up for their dreams and truly follow their heart. I smiled like a mad scientist on the brink of a discovery thinking, “Let’s see what happens if I leave and take an alternate path.”  I left that job, the environment, and the construction of a path that was laid out for me.

I wanted to build my own path in whatever direction I wanted with whatever material I created or was given. I was going to struggle, but at least I’ll know that the path was built with my own self-love, values, blood, sweat, and tears. 

Recently, I’ve felt a kind of shift happening right now that most people don’t see. A lot of my peers seem to feel lost with themselves or trapped on a path they feel they can’t get off of. They seek a kind of understanding with themselves, and an approval or the permission to follow their heart and curiosities. We’ve spent years and years and years telling our kids and ourselves that success and happiness come from material stability and security. That without a comfortable job that gives you benefits (which is nice) and a nice 401k, you’re pretty much f*cked. What they have long forgotten though, is the very trait that has brought us into becoming who we are as beings: evolution.

We forget that we are evolutionary beings who are capable of accessing the power of our intuition and using it to create things from our heart and soul. We spend too much of our lives following the rules and doing what is necessary to climb up a ladder that isn’t our own, but someone else’s. For those who are comfortable with that kind of mentality and lifestyle, I don’t hate you or disregard what you choose for your life, I only hope to spark a meditation for those who feel they don’t fit in with that.

If we continue to follow what’s been done and continue to quantify success and happiness on material stability, how will we ever evolve into better beings? I meet a lot of cynics and pessimists who tell me I’m not being realistic, but the truth is, reality needs to evolve or we will never be any better than what we were and are, yesterday or today. You have to continuously break the mold, the tradition, and the preconceived structures that society imposes on us.

BE the CREATOR that you are. The ARTIST that you FEEL. The MUSICIAN that HEALS. The ENGINEER that IMPROVES to bring basic human needs. The SCIENTIST that EXPLORES new territories. The ENTREPRENEUR that UPLIFTS us out of of the poverty mentality.

Start listening to the inner voices of your heart and soul. They are the only tools you need to create your life the way you want.

Creating yourself and bringing into fruition the passions, dreams, and love that you desire are a lot like art. You have an idea of what you want to create and an overall image you wish for others to see, but ultimately, creation is all about the process. The colors you will use will change. The strokes and patterns will shift in different directions according to the orders of your heart, and you’ll pour hours and hours of tears and joy over quick moments of completion and mistake. And when you feel like the piece is complete, you’ll realize that a version of yourself has been satisfied and that the art is never really complete–that it continuously evolves from itself.

We are resilient creatures who have lived through unimaginable circumstances, but in order to evolve as a human being in our personal lives, or our career endeavors or spiritual creations, we have to welcome all love, pain and joy, and knowing when to let go of the people and places that don’t align with your heart values or push your present forward.

You have to believe in what you love, create with whatever materials and resources you have, and go at whatever pace you choose fits best. YOU are your own designer, artist, and creator.

While you are living, follow your heart and soul. Be crazy enough to think you might just be onto something–a discovery and journey that most people fear of taking. Be different versions of yourself all the time. Create like a mad artist, evolving and using different colors, tools and mediums to express your truest and highest self. My friend and soul-sister, Low Leaf, said it best when she encountered criticism for her music and being,

“I refuse to feel ashamed for being an artist who doesn’t get as much shine as one would quantify as success. True wealth cannot be bought…us creators, artists, and healers… we know something, that they don’t…. something that they’ve long forgotten… n we can’t talk about it.. we just be about it….”.

LOVE yourself. LOVE your ART. LOVE your BEING.

To quote Steve Jobs:

Screen-Shot-2011-12-06-at-5.48.54-PM

 

 

 

Because the ones that are remembered the most are the crazy ones. Because the crazy ones are the leaders of our human evolution. They are fearless in their growth and compassionate with their love.

THE WORLD NEEDS MORE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW THEIR HEARTS and CREATE WITH THEIR SOUL.

What are you waiting for?

Do it for the love of your passions.

 

Yours,

Noemi

 

The Painful and Beautiful Truth About Growth

I like to think that the energy we surround ourselves around contribute to our overall sense of spiritual sanity. I use the term “spiritual” loosely because for the most part, what we feel, when we feel a great sense of clarity or assurance that we are among the kind of love we wish for, is truly the force and feeling we strive to feel. 

A lot of the times though, we find ourselves at a constant collision with incompatible energies and frequencies in the world. We feel it when we are around negative voices, hostile situations, uncomfortable places and heights, and sometimes even surprise us in painfully beautiful ways. Love, feels just like that. And when we feel that kind of collision touch the surface of our flesh and begin to feel the tingling in our bones, we instantly (and sub-consciously) retreat to protect ourselves, or we live through the process however much it hurts. 

The truth is, change and growth hurt. It really, really hurts. Sometimes the change happens so quick that you don’t remember a lot during the impact or of the moment when it happens. You enter in a state of disillusion where your thoughts scatter into more pieces when you try to make sense of the storyline, but everything seems and feels like an eternal labyrinth of broken pieces that aren’t fitting together anymore.

When this happens, that’s when you know that you have to make a choice. A choice where you decide whether the tragedy will grow and build more resilience and wisdom in you, or scar your memories and soul, disabling you from feeling the beauty of growth from pain, impermanence, and differences of the elevation we feel in our soul. Even in our spiritual journey, we’ll always meet and collide with frequencies and vibrations that will shape our form and even push us towards new directions in our course.

It’s important to acknowledge when we’ve made the most of something and have given it our most genuine love and gratitude. When we begin to realize that, we can either decide to fill more of our life with it, or let it go to allow ourselves to seek more places and people that move us closer to the ultimate truth of feeling the connectedness we seek.

There is so much to growth we fear. Nothing beautiful ever came to life without having to endure the pain of growth. Sometimes we learn how to adapt, but adapting isn’t the key to survival. Evolving is. And the only way our soul can discover the truths and mysteries of this beautiful universe we exist in, is to choose to evolve our way of thinking and feeling, of giving and receiving, and of living and believing. 

We have to believe that there is so, so much more, than the instant gratifications and ridiculous actions of an unnecessary tension. We have to choose to evolve with the light and darkness that pull us forward. We have to trust in the light that is ingrained in our soul to direct our elevation and connect us to the highest form of transcendence.

We have to feel ourselves break into a million different pieces that infinitely break into a million more pieces when we try to put them together. We are as beautiful as a star exploding when it reaches its final form. We need the ability to accept and forgive the tragedy of the impact, or we will never learn how to grow and push our soul to become the highest form of itself.

The broken pieces will always be there, but like a billion scattered stars against a black velvet sky, what we see are not the pieces, but the infinite beauty of a vast, glittering, reflection of our soul.