Today marks the spring equinox. After a strange winter filled with what seemed like weeks of rain and short days met with sunlight and clear skies–metaphorically speaking too–we have this beautiful season ahead that brings blooms of life and spirit back into nature and us. We know summer is near and we feel a little bit happier, a little bit more motivated to get out and be active, we get out of our “winter” selves and start planning our summer, essentially, our overall mood becomes a reflection of spring itself–a reflection of growth and abundance. Have you noticed that in yourself? I’m beginning to feel this myself.
I love the seasons so much because they remind me of our true connection with nature and how beautiful it is to see and feel nature run its life cycles every couple of months. In a way, it reminds us that all things have a life cycle and that we should and can learn to accept and be comfortable with the changes happening around us and within us. Something that I’ve been feeling a lot of lately since my last post is this realization that life can be made, and remade, again and again, even when the harsh winters (or in my case my divorce and trauma from the abuse) of our life come and go and leave us with nothing.
We need to remind ourselves that we are exactly like nature–resilient, beautiful, and in many cases, needing the time to heal and regrow our seeds and water our own roots, because in time, we do begin to live again. I was living with depression for months, slyly hiding it beneath my smiles and laughter, but I knew something was off. I knew deep down that I had stepped away from watering and nourishing the passions and dreams that set my soul on fire. I became too immersed in saving the marriage for the sacred reasons that you don’t break your vows. Instead, I broke my vows to my dreams and passions, momentarily of course.
However broken we may feel or so far away from healing ourselves can be, there’s always just enough left of yourself, your heart and spirit, to live and grow again.
Doesn’t spring remind us of that? I took the pieces of my broken self and what was left was exactly what I needed to start all over again: my dreams, my passion, and my immense love for them. I remember thinking, this isn’t the first time that I’ve felt this way. In fact, it’s probably the 5th or 6th time that I’ve felt this way–broken, no idea where to go or what to do, with a feeling that always returned to remind me of what I should do. Somehow, in the moments of our deepest pain and dark periods in our life, a tiny little feeling of hope can be found in the things that had always pushed our heart to strive for more, to beat more passionately again for the things we love.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking, as I always do, and remunerating over these endless possibilities I have now. One thing that I want to point out is that each of us have our own path to follow and our own lifestyles and gifts to discover and nourish. The safe-path, the one we’re taught to strive for in our lives (think: buy a home, get married, have a wedding, have kids and maybe a pet, have a career, be financially secure, climb the corporate ladder) is definitely one that many of us are seduced to working hard for. While I believe this path is a good one for a lot of us, I feel that it’s not often the right path for some of us.
I struggle with trying to adapt to this safe-path and every time I reach a point in my life that feels stagnant or empty, I am always reminded by what has always brought me joy and drive: writing, telling stories, inspiring, and being able to communicate a language that I feel is so foreign to us now in our culture and time; a language lost in the moments where we wonder what our purpose is in life; a language only understood by way of our senses to understand this world we live in; a language that we all wish to communicate, but don’t know how. It’s what I call the language of the sentient being.
Have you ever felt a need to be more connected with friends or family? Or maybe it’s a closer connection to nature or craving the experience of arts or music? It’s those things that we do that somehow lift our spirit by way of our senses. Have you ever felt this desire to see what can become of you? Or a thirst to understand why you’re even alive?
We’re sentient beings. We feel things because we’ve been given this gift that we don’t always like to use when we try to make sense of our place in the world. I am often reminded that not everyone has the privilege to be born with a dream or a known purpose of what they are truly meant to do in this life, so they take the safe-path because it’s a path that can provide if we follow it. The other path of course is the risky path–usually the path that artists, entrepreneurs, musicians, etc., take. The one we’re advised not to follow.
But I have to take a risk now. Because if I don’t, I will regret it later on. And I have to keep trying and getting back up, even if it means having to start all over from scratch every time I get beaten by my fears. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
A few things that have helped transform my perception about this risk-taking are people who have followed their intuition and worked incredibly hard to bring their dream to life. These people you’ve heard like Steve Jobs, J.K. Rowling, Jeff Bezos, Salvador Dalí, Susan Sontag, maybe someone you know, etc., were always convinced and driven by the one thing that their heart always knew: their gift or purpose in this world.
In order to grow your dreams and make them come to life, you have to be clear about what you want, why you want it and what you’re willing to do to get it. You have to do it because you care deeply about it. You have to care deeply about it because not everyone in this world is born with a dream or a purpose–that itself is beyond divine comprehension.
Can you believe in yourself a little bit more because of this? I think so.
After weeks and mostly nights where I couldn’t sleep, I could feel this ache again to do what I always knew was my god-given gift. WRITE. While it’s not what I do for a living yet, I do believe that future exists for me so long as I continue to beat my own fears and assumptions about failure. Perhaps marriage and buying a home or having a corporate job are not part of my path right now. Because ultimately, if you have a dream or a passion you’d like to pursue, you are called to do the hard work, time and time again after every failure or obstacle that you experience. I know this to be true. I’ve lived in 3 different cities, had 5 jobs, and still, in moments where I’m lost and have no clue what the hell to do with my life, a quiet whisper comes to sweep me up and remind me of this dream to be a writer and storyteller.
Dreams are not to be taken lightly. Everything takes time, but you have to be willing to fail gracefully and be willing to work so so freaking hard. You have to be willing to answer these questions when you start taking your dreams and passions seriously:
What do you want to do?
What are you doing instead?
What are you afraid of?
What are your biggest assumptions?
You have to be willing to cry and feel all sorts of emotions you’ve never thought you were capable of feeling; You have to be willing to push yourself on your own when you don’t have any bit of inspiration left or have $200 left in your bank account; You have to be willing to delay gratification for the integrity it takes to build respect for your dreams; You have to be willing to be so resourceful and creative, but honest, in order to create the momentum needed for your progress; You have to be willing to sacrifice certain notions of the safe-path so you can remind yourself that you’re still doing the hard work that is required for your dream to come true; You have to be willing to sit with depression, sadness, madness, and jump through hoops of fear, and be able to face it head on because ultimately, the risk of not living your true self and the dreams and passions you have is far worse than the fear itself.
In a couple of months, I have an exciting journey ahead of me. I feel the stir of an engine in me, ready to meet my heart’s drive and experience the journey of where my talents take me. In a strange way, I really do feel that the Divine has perfected this imperfect path for me to take. In hindsight, some of the things I have experienced and learned have an eerily strange way of connecting itself back to the things we know most true in our heart. We should learn to trust the cycles and beat of our heart just like how nature trusts in the cycles of our solar system to create magic and abundance every year.
Where do you begin? How do you begin to feel your sense of purpose or know what your dream is? Start with curiosity. Pick up things that interest you. Challenge yourself with a new hobby or language. I promise that doing this will get the gears going for you. I began learning French and downloaded the free app, Duolingo.
I spend an hour every morning after breakfast and coffee entertaining myself with the app’s clever ways and methods to teach the phrases and vocabulary. I hired someone I found on Craigslist to teach me how to drive a manual transmission (stick shift) because it’s a useful skill to know if you’re traveling to other countries. I bought myself a Passion Planner because I got sick of trying to manage my goals with check-lists or scribbled thoughts in a notebook when I had NO REAL MAP of goals and what I needed to do to take steps to bring my dream to life. I minimized my belongings (again–5th time now) so that I wouldn’t have to worry about being tied down to having too much stuff and its maintenance and put everything I don’t even use in a public storage. I currently use a 40-liter Osprey backpack full of clothes, 4 pairs of shoes, my laptop and PC computer, and some books to live my day-to-day. I’ve accepted that I can live with only a few things right now and be completely satisfied and able to do my job and keep myself well-balanced so that I can focus on my dreams and my passion. Again, these are things I am doing out of my own curiosity to see how my life can transform and my habits change so that my dreams can start to feel confident to take center stage.
As you go through this season of spring, I hope that you can find comfort in the thought that your life will go only as far as you want it to. Growth takes hard work and patience. We have to be willing to understand ourselves better in order to make better choices that benefit our ability to grow for our dream, our purpose, our passion, whatever. We have to allow ourselves to feel a little bit more because it’s the language that allows new pathways for our heart to better serve and direct our soul to its reason for life.
I feel so much warmth and belief right now for myself and for you. We’re all in this together if you think about it. We all have moments where we ask ourselves these hard and time-tested questions from the heart and that’s good, because if you aren’t asking, you aren’t truly living your authentic self. How else could we experience the answers unless we live the questions themselves through our curiosity and actions?
In spring, I find that the the flowers and plants never bother to find the answers for why they exist because they already know they have gifts to gift every season. They live only to bring forth themselves, year after year, through drought-stricken weather and floods, inch-by-inch. They exist because their purpose is to be constant reminders for us all that we too, can rise in the faith that our purpose will grow more and more clear every season of our lives.
Featured Photo Credit: Official Tourism Blog of San Diego