Emptiness in Time.

Two years ago, I wrote about understanding the power of presence and how to stay in line with our self-love, reminding ourselves to recognize when something or someone does not serve our higher self and is toxic to our growth.

Two years later, after experiencing what I thought was the love you knew was meant for you, I sit here with an immense amount of emptiness—both a good and cruel feeling measured by time. I fell deep in love, or what I thought was love, and married the person who would unknowingly become a person I feared, loved, resented, and was heartbroken over so many, many times. It has taken me awhile to truly sit down and write my thoughts and feelings about where I’ve been these last two years.

I lost myself. I let who I love consume my life. I forgot how to love myself. I became a victim of broken promises. I lost respect for myself. I allowed the person I loved to continue harming me emotionally every time I accepted his apologies. I didn’t listen to myself. I second guessed my intuition, when all this time it kept telling me the truth. I was empty. I became so empty that I couldn’t function in my daily life, in my hobbies, in my passions. I became depressed and sought nothing more but to end my life because my marriage wasn’t working. Where did I go?

Two months ago, I experienced the most terrifying thing in my life that I could imagine. After two years of what felt like a slow emptying of myself through tears, arguments, late night drives to cool off, and constant forgiving and believing in someone who promised to change, I became a victim of abuse in 20 minutes of the most traumatic experience of my life. How could someone who says they love me do this to me? Writing this isn’t easy, and the anxiety and stress from the trauma still creep into my spirit, but I hope that my story can help you understand what it means to get out before it’s too late and how you can find hope in this tragedy.

My life was threatened by someone I love and in those 3 breathless seconds that I experienced, my life became more important to save than the love and broken marriage I was in. I managed to get out safely and report the incident to the police and soon after I moved my belongings out. Where did I go? I went to heal myself and protect everything that has ever made me full of the love that has given me my life, my soul, and spirit.

“Where did I go?” was a question I asked myself countless times throughout the day, ruminating on the past and what signals I should have taken a closer look at that got me to this place in my life. I stopped writing. I stopped feeling. I stopped expressing myself through love in ways that brought me joy. And for what? To be with a man who did not even know how to understand his own source of love, and falsely propose to give you what you needed in a partnership?

I blame myself for not having taken the time to truly test the waters and swim in the ocean of love long enough to know that a person I was going to marry is someone I could trust in turbulent and calm waters. I was a fool for believing so quickly in eloquent words and in the ideal that he would come to learn how to become himself through me. That he could grow with me. But ultimately, I did not have that kind of influence or power, no matter how hard I tried to inspire and motivate him to be the best version of himself that he could be. No matter how hard I tried to set an example of good habits and values, it was of no use if he didn’t care to practice these things in his own life.

At one point, I thought I was the crazy one—he would tell me I was crazy and was overly sensitive and should just “sleep things off”. I wish I had known not to have given so much of my love and effort to someone who was incredibly stubborn and prideful. The toxicity sucked every ounce of my empathy and compassion for myself that I became so disillusioned by the state of my marriage. In essence, I became a reflection of him during that time—picking up his habits because he wouldn’t compromise with mine, suppressing my emotions because he couldn’t express himself, not speaking or hanging out with friends or family as often because he didn’t like people knowing about us, becoming a complete hermit because he didn’t have any interest in making friends or hanging out with mine, making excuses for his absence at family parties or events because he was too anti-social, and all of this in hindsight, I see now, was enabling his behavior every time I forgave him and protected his values. I felt so unloved and neglected.

This was not a marriage or relationship I could tolerate any longer.

I had wanted so much to be married, but this was not the marriage the Universe and the Divine had intended for me. I wanted so much to believe that all the things he shared with me were true, and maybe some of it was, but our love for each other was felt in two different ways that could not grow together.

So often we forget to heed the wisdom of those who come before us and have felt love. While some are lucky to really know when they know the one, I find a lot of comfort and value in the thought that you cannot know unless you both have felt the treasure of time separately, first, and then, together. That with the treasure of time, you each would choose to live with intent and awareness in growing your self-love and learn to understand what compassion and empathy look and feel like because when you have that, the rest is simple when you choose to marry. When you have a sense of self respect for your love and your values then you already know what you must do to protect the love and values of the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with.

I don’t regret having gotten married and then disappearing for two years from my passions. I do regret not leaving sooner when the relationship was at its breaking point several times. I know that I am stronger than I feel or think and I am happy that I got out when I did, but how did I miss the warning signs? Signs that my intuition had pointed me to look at closer, but then I’d second guess myself. Warning signs found in the constant refusal of a substance abuse problem, lies masked in wordy excuses, denials and circular conversations, financial mismanagement and disorganization in goals and ambitions, broken promises and emotional neglect, refusal to understand on an emotional level, and pride that was prioritized first before the love and feelings of the partner you chose.

So many vows were broken. I never thought someone I love could emotionally and physically hurt me so much. In moments where the anxiety and PTSD creep in, I tell myself, “I am so sorry, Noemi. I am so sorry this happened to you.”

And in between the moments where my eyes well up and my throat is in a knot, I exhale a deep breath and hear my soul whisper, “But you are immensely loved. Do not forget the gift I have given solely to you in this life”.

I am crying as I write because I feel so sorry for having turned my heart away momentarily from what has always sparked my life and spirit: my own source of love.

It is an ever growing source that will never betray me or hurt me as long as I continue to believe and nurture it.

The end of this marriage has also reminded me of the one thing that has stayed true and constant in my life thus far: that my intuition is part of the gift I have been given to understand and express the truths of love and life in my time. In hindsight, it has been the silent compass of my soul, directing me to what I know is my divine purpose in this world. While the direction that it is going remains a complete mystery to me, I can trust that the direction will always be that of growth if I choose it to be. A huge part of my heart and soul have been emptied by this traumatic experience and the ones I experienced in the duration of my two years of absence. I have drowned and have been broken in love and after all of it, here I am.

I am a survivor.
I am stronger than I have ever been.
That there is hope after tragedy.

I am always reminded by the resilience of nature and how life and death is a cycle that can be seen in its seasons. This was a great and turbulent season of my life. It has washed away so much of what I had grown and yet there I am in pieces, scattered throughout the soil of my broken heart and soul like seeds, waiting to be nurtured and grown again—that in time, I will rise and become the garden of my love, once again.

I am so grateful for the friends and family who have shown me so much love and support during this difficult time. They are the ones who help water the soil of your brokenness while you take the time to make sense of the chaos of it all and heal from it. They are the ones who are truly heaven-sent to ensure your path is always comforted by reminders of real love and joy.

Having endured this momentary absence from my own life and the traumatic experience at the end of it, I realize that the process of my emptying in this marriage was necessary for me to learn so that I could understand how to grow myself again when destruction and chaos come to uproot everything.

It was a necessary emptying so that all I had left was everything that I began with—the foundation, the soil, the earth, the nothingness and everything, the messiness, the beauty and hope of starting all over again with the only tools I needed: my hands, my heart, my mind, my soul, my faith, my choice to live again in this emptiness in time, where darkness can be abundance, and death can bring new life.

I see now. How important it is to empty ourselves, whether that be emotionally or spiritually. I see now. How time is our silent friend in all matters of life, death, and love. That this emptiness in time that we all experience at one point in our lives, is one of the greatest reflections of love that call to the depths of our inner self to feel the incredible lightness and plasticity, magic and resilience of our divine soul.

Carnal Presence: Underneath It All

We long for it constantly: the need to feel loved, a hunger for another being to touch our deepest selves; a warm heart and a kind ear to release our selves to; a hug we can fall apart in; laughter we can feel rising from the veins of our skin; other humans we can share our darkest selves and feel safe with; the ability to feel free to live and create our lives the way we wished when we were children; to be extremely honest with ourselves and others and still share a love so fierce with passion.

I was drawn to an article about falling in love and how it took 36 Questions and 4 minutes of staring into another stranger’s eyes to fall in love. The article went viral of course and I studied how people reacted to it. I was amused by how people treated this “breakthrough study”. Some understood the underlying reason for it, but other publications I read wrote about it as if it were something so completely unheard of. Human vulnerability? Having a conversation face to face, eye to eye? Sharing your story and self with another human? Unheard of–in the age of hyper-connectivity and artificial semi-connectedness, that is. It blows me away how we’ve conditioned ourselves to live in a world where human connection, and I mean real human connection, is now a scarcity that we’ve built ways to commodify it through Tindr, OkCupid, Match.com, EHarmon(e)y, etc. Now more than ever, you will most likely hear, “We met online”, “Our first date was through Tindr”, “We just hit it off on EHarmoney”, “I couldn’t believe I found the one”. Now, some connections made through these sites can actually become something really awesome, but I find that to be rare. Have we really reduced love to mere exchanges on Tindr? Yes, we have.

To have love and feel love, you need to have connection. Connection with one’s inner self and true sensory and temporal connection with another human being. You no doubt try to stay “connected” when physical distance keeps you and your loved ones apart so you use the phone, text, Facebook, email, and that’s important. But your body–your human, carnal body and raw (soul) self, sculpted by the forces of natural selection over millennia, was not designed for the abstractions of long-distance love, the “xoxos” or “lols”, no.

Your body and your soul hunger for more. You hunger to feel wild and beautiful with someone. You hunger to feel safe and free with someone. You hunger to feel and share an experience so moving that all the layers of you, unravel.

There is a carnal presence that exists in us, and it’s found in all the hungers that we crave to express and feel. We crave to feel connected, yet we fear sharing our honest selves with people and strangers. We crave to feel understood and comforted, yet we fear the embarrassment and humiliation we might get for feeling what we do. We crave to fall in love and find a partner who will run wild with us, yet we fear facing how to love and explore the depths of ourselves. We crave to follow our dreams and passions, yet we cower at the thought of criticism.

One of the scariest things that could happen to humanity, is the loss and scarcity of what it means to feel a real human connection. We are already experiencing this now. We get a little anxious when we receive a phone call instead of a text. We get a little surprised when a stranger tells us a story on the morning commute to work. We hurry into relationships and expect instant growth and years of love jam-packed in a few months, and feel heartbroken that it didn’t unfold fast enough. We’ve forgotten that things that are worth growing, take time and require our patience and full awareness–our full carnal presence–to create the rooted connections we want. To bear fruit on any tree, you must water it. You must frequent it with your presence and nurture it. To strengthen and expand the deep rooted connections with yourself and others, you must show up and care to bare your soul and real-time presence to the effort of growth, however much it hurts. The amount of love and connection you feel and receive depend on the frequency of your carnal presence with yourself and others. Are you extremely honest and wholehearted about what exists in your mind–the thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations, the whole thing that adds up to what we call “me” or “I”? No one else can really sort out what opens up your world or what seems to keep you going in circles in some kind of repetitive misery but you. Choose to be a better human. Allow the presence of your true self to shake and settle in your skin.1521356_765664756796758_1122453004_n

You can choose to live a life fearful of your carnal presence and all that is underneath your skin or you can choose to live a life that is wholly you, wholly everything that you feel inside your heart and soul. You can choose to surround yourself around artificial semi-connectedness, or you can get outside and explore, say “hello”, start a conversation, tell a story about something you’ve experienced, look into another person’s eyes and laugh together, share a time where you were sad and lonely with a complete stranger, and maybe, just maybe, spark a mutual shared sense of deep aliveness and attention to the world.

I ask you please, do not be afraid to pour yourself, and express with paramount, your wholeness, your rawness, your vulnerability, your soul’s longing to be human in our artificially connected world, your fearless yet compassionate carnal presence.

I would not ever wish for this world, after we are long gone, to look at love as a myth or real human connection as an archaic thing humans no longer need. When you are aware of yourself and who you are, and you follow your heart and intention, you give this world and the rest of humanity another chance to make things better. You give the world and yourself growth to cultivate real human connections and real presence. When you show unwavering kindness to others and are honest to the core, you give others an opportunity to feel what hope and love are like. Please, I ask you, don’t be afraid to live your human self on a deeper level. Go deeper into yourself and discover that darkness, that lightness, the things that burn, burn, burn you to the ground like ashes and lift you like smoke. Pay close attention to what you choose to be aware of in this world and what you are aware of about yourself.

I hope that someday, you’ll understand that the only thing worth earning, growing, and experiencing is a life filled with real moments of human connection with yourself and with others. Underneath it all, we long to feel the nature and force of our carnal presence, loved and protected by another soul brave enough to share theirs. Understand yourself underneath it all, and be aware. Create a kind of awareness to yourself and the world that opens the hearts and minds of others to this awareness, but most of all, project a kind of feeling that awakens the consciousness of other souls longing to understand and feel this human life.

Yours,

N

My Stars My Destination

I used to crave love and fall for the person who gave me the care I wanted as soon as it was given to me. I used to think that just because someone wanted to spend time with you, it was automatically a gesture of potential interest. I used to think that kind actions and charming words were the right way to love me, but then I learned, over and over again, through many people who never earned my most true and raw love, that a love that is worth it, will be earned honestly and whole-heartedly by someone who is fearless enough to handle me. I’ve had my fair share of strong-willed and passionate individuals, but as we float in the endless ocean of possibilities when it comes to love, we find that we settle for what we think we need and work towards creating a powerful chemistry that did not wholly exist in the beginning. I used to think that my love was a little strange and a little too intense for anyone to handle, but then I remember, how amazingly special it feels to experience something so intense it is indescribable. Not many people will get to experience that kind of intensity that love brings, but I am lucky to have tasted it in my heart and my thoughts.

I want you to remember, that in your journey to create yourself and discover the abundance of love that exists in you, do not ever settle. Do not ever settle. It is worth the time and care and love that it takes to discover that most intense love you will be given. We will meet people who may come close and pique our intrigue or say sweet things and send smiley faces at every end of a message, but understand this, your love–that source of infinite terror and beauty–is worthy of only those who earn the loyalty, safety, and care that it needs to grow. You will meet people who will sweep you off your feet with their gentle words and kind mannerisms, but do not be fooled, anyone can be charming. Anyone will say and do what they need to do in order to get what they want, and you will never know their true intentions until after you’ve learned more about each other.

Relationships take time to create. Real ones will last.

You’ll be given love, and you’ll be taken care of. 

It takes discipline, but I understand now, how important it is to save your heart for someone who would be madly in love with you, for years and years. It is unfair to the spirit of love to give and share anything less than madness and the infatuation that comes with passion and rawness. People will come and go and take you out to nice places and give you sweet kisses that you long for everyday, but that kind of love is practice. We practice love with different kinds of people to learn what we like and the qualities and traits that make sense of the chaos inside of us. But the truth is, when you meet someone who makes you feel like the world is a better place because you’re in it and you exist, love becomes what it truly is: infinite. I like to think that love vibrates at different frequencies for everyone. It’s all around us if we listen closely.What we all aspire to have is a love that vibrates at a higher frequency–a kind that pulses with symbiotic waves that complement each other and produce a melodic harmony that both individuals benefit from, separately and together. It is a melodic dance that we crave to experience and hold.

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We do not know it, but we crave to be vulnerable with someone who would accept us for all the things we are. We want true love, but we don’t know how to appreciate or be considerate of the other person’s time. We want true affection and a nurturing kind of love, but we don’t know how to put down our phones or say “I love you” just because or say how we really feel. We want to feel real human connections, but we don’t know how to let go of our anxieties and insecurities and feel comfortable in our own vulnerability. We want to spend more time together, but we make up silly excuses to avoid getting closer and sharing in each other’s lives. When we create a space based on fear, we grow further away from love.

You must understand that it is possible to be who you are and be honest about it, wholeheartedly, while protecting your most rare source of love that should only be shared for those who earn the presence to be around it. I am learning this as I move through the practice of love. I must constantly remind myself how important it is to who I’ve become and all the things I value, that I meet someone(s) who dare(s) to show me the protection and passion a lasting love deserves.

Your time here is precious. Your love, even more. Do not waste it on those people or things that do not grow your light. Spend your time around people and places that earn your rawness and your most passionate love and loyalty.

1010145_588872541240195_6031164481025143709_nThe people that do this are the stars you should be surrounded by, because these are the stars that will bring the best and brightest out of you for years. And if you don’t already know, these stars already exist in you. Be careful of those who dim your light, there will be plenty of them that question your burning truths and rawness. Burn anyway. The universe needs more stars to fall in love with because without them, we would have no destination or depth to reach for. Without them, we would not see the reflections of time and how beautiful it can be to burn brightly through the ages.

So please, reach for your stars. Surround yourself around them. Burn brightly and seek those who fuel your flame. Let that be your destination. The journey, is just practice you should enjoy. You will know when you have reached your destination when you feel your love becoming brighter and stronger from the protection and loyalty to your growth given by someone who will earn and care for your love.

You’ll be given love and you’ll be taken care of. It may not come from the sources you’ve poured yourself in. It may not come from the direction you’re standing in, but trust your inner light, and burn brightly all around you. Nature has a way of sending and giving you the things you ask for when you least expect it.

Yours,

N

A Little Slower, A Little Sweeter.

IMG_0753Lately I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to be the kind of love I want to be, and it all comes down to a simple feeling that we all should learn how to delight in: savoring.

This past Sunday, I took a spontaneous road trip to see the Imperial Sand Dunes. The place is surreal and absolutely breathtaking. You are transported into another world that feels so out of place especially being 2.5 hrs east of charming San Diego. Not many people know about this vast and magical place so very few people were there when I went. The grains of sand are so fine to the touch that you actually become comforted by the way your feet and hands sink in gently. The winds were strong and blew the sand everywhere, but a moment of calm came by surprise, and I took the chance to kneel and let my fingers graze the sand as I closed my eyes to the warm kiss of the sun.

I thought, here I am, in the presence of everything and nothing, and you still mesmerize me. There was something divine about being there. Something so calming yet powerful enough to remind me how close all of life’s beautiful wonders really are– if we only took the moment to savor what is around us. I opened my eyes to see the sinuous trail of ripples left by the winds and felt a sudden rush of awe and surrender. When you let things pass through you and you feel it in all of its rawness and truth, sometimes you are given a beautiful surprise that moves you beyond words. Savoring does this to you.

IMG_0718Savoring the moment our eyes grow mad with curiosity and intrigue for something or someone that ignites our soul. Savoring the places we travel to, however near or far, and the people we meet along the way–they all teach and give us a little taste of life different than ours. Savoring the hours we have with our lovers, no matter how short-lived the romance and intensity could be, and allowing every word and touch that spills out of you to be wholesome and true to your hearts at that very moment. Savoring the times we find ourselves in the darkness in search of finding beauty in unlikely places. Savoring the passing conversations we have with strangers or even distant family members and friends, and never letting an opportunity to connect and share love sincerely with one another.

I thought about this the other day as I was expressing my perspective on heartbreak and personal growth with a friend, that love is so simple and dating or “courting” would be so much easier if we knew how to savor each other, rather than pushing ourselves too soon and too quickly with someone (or anything for that matter) to fall in love with. I am guilty, though, for taking delight in the moment and forgetting to taste things slowly sometimes. In these moments, I find myself pausing and asking two questions:

Will this be the only chance we’ll ever feel this way? 

Do we both recognize in each other, and in ourselves, the gratitude and bittersweet truth of the present? 

It’s a difficult balance to savor something you know is so exquisite and memorable to have right away.

We are so consumed by instant gratification in our lives, that it is becoming a natural part of ourselves we are beginning to be blind–and ultimately–disabled by in our growth and love. “I wish I had taken it slower” is something we’ve all said to ourselves at one point. “I wish I spent more time with the people who loved and cared about me and said what I felt” is a very familiar and common thing we hear now. When you are learning how to savor, learn how to savor in the magic of manifesting your true self and the beautiful complexities of your being. Many of my friends are “waking up” from their slumber and are now discovering that there is more to life than what they’ve known and that there is more to the being we thought we were.

You have to understand, sweet darling, that even though we can be one big paradox, our complexities are what make growing and understanding worth the journey to experience and to savor all of the calm moments and intensities of the here and now, wherever you are in your life, is what others need to be surrounded and inspired by. To deepen relationships, with yourself and others, you must be willing to open yourself up. Vulnerability is the key to emotional bonding, without which relationships tend to feel superficial and meaningless, and knowing how to savor an experience is how we create more abundance and gratitude in our lives and others. Because how else could we savor in this moment together if we didn’t share our vulnerabilities and true selves with one another?

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So tomorrow, when you eat all of that delicious food and drink a luscious and smooth blend of red wine in the company of good friends, new friends, family and new family, take a moment to savor life and all the different cups it gives you: the places, the people, the moments, the fear, the confusion, the short-lived romances, the heartbreaking romances, the family we wish to be closer with, the friends we wish to reconnect with, the fascinating wonders your mind is drawn to, the ache from laughter, the what-ifs and why-nots that compel your creativity, and the moments that make your heart stop and feel time slow down. And when these seconds grab you, feel:

This. Savor this. Savor me. Savor you. Savor the here and now that we are together in this shared experience. 

Remember that.

You will always remember the places and people and experiences that have made you feel something profound. And all it takes to grow a little better every day, is to savor the people who are here in your life and everything that comes and goes your way just a little slower, a little sweeter, darling.

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Yours,

N

Lost Loves

I had the strangest feeling when I first met you–that maybe it wasn’t our first time around meeting each other. Somehow, our connection and our souls came together so soon and so quickly that the bond was so great it almost hurt. I was drawn to you like I had never been drawn to anything else in life. You were an intriguing mystery I wanted to unlock and understand, but somehow, our past lives were catching up to us.

You always know–and it’s an eerie yet beautiful intense feeling–when you set your eyes on someone who naturally brings out a sincerity and comfort in you, that this connection is something profound. It always takes you by surprise, and you took me by surprise. I am a driven-kind. The kind that goes after what I want and gives all of my heart and passion to a connection. My loyalty never sways as long as you treat me with the level of respect and kindness that I deserve, but somehow, I knew my bond with you was different from the rest because I’ve lost you plenty of times before. It was as if our souls kept wanting to reconnect and bind themselves together even if it were momentary, but no matter how real our connection was and is, the truth is, we were always meant to part.

You will always have a soft spot and a tenderness for the ones who shape your heart and love in profound ways.

You never forget the ecstasy of falling or the pain from the breakup. I always make an effort to keep my past relationships alive in the form of friendships, but there are certain individuals whom you know shake your heart in a way that stirs up an emotion of a lost love that you cannot force to shape or mold into your life any longer. My heart shakes when I see your name or the beautiful picture of you. I will never know you, because we never have completely. In our past lives, we loved just as intensely and moved on with a quiet sadness that each of us accepted. My heart breaks when I dream of you and subconsciously go through the unwritten scripts that our souls conveyed. But I must move on even if it hurts.

The hardest part of letting go is letting go of the future you once believed could unfold if you had stayed together. Even those things you cannot dictate the pace of. We can wish and hope for future things together, but the truth is, we are always constantly dying and being reborn, together and apart. While we were passionate lovers, love was not enough. Love isn’t enough, and I’ll tell you why.

While being in love, giving, and receiving love are important and very foundational to have, every day after the fall and every time after any obstacle or downhill descent, choices must be made.

Every day you have to wake up choosing to be with this person.

You ask yourself whether or not this person is choosing to do the same because you both acknowledge that the choice of being together is a greater outcome than being apart. That your choice in staying is based on the reality of the present and what you can become with this person. Are you a better person because of them? Do you allow them to become a better person, too? Love will always be present. It was present with my ex-partner and I, but the choices we wanted to make were different, and you must understand,

you cannot ever make or influence someone else’s choice in how they choose to share and express their love.

As much as I am happier, I cannot help but feel the tremble in my heart when I see your face. Something overcomes me, and I am reminded of our story and all the reasons why I needed to keep writing my story without you. We will never be together the way that we want, but I’ve learned to understand now, that we’ve met before–in many different languages and times. The sweetest feeling I’ll remember is a lost love that’s found.

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I’m not sure if we’ll ever be friends or partners again, but there will always be a tenderness in my heart for you. And while I take my time to regain and rebuild my life without you, please understand, that you’ll always be beautiful to me–even if the very thought of you breaks my heart. I will hold my breath and close my eyes and remind myself to listen and acknowledge the experience of a lifetime that I was able to share with someone like you.

Remember this when you encounter a connection or a lost love, found: Never touch anything with half your heart. Be present and endlessly love and be compassionate with others. Remember that your own happiness and comfort comes above all things, and remember what is important to you. Be honest and get to know yourself and take things at your own pace. What’s right for someone else may not be right for you (and that’s ok). Never be ashamed or afraid to do and express the things you love, and most importantly, remember that you always have a choice to find the joy in living your life, and whom you share it with, the way that you want.

Yours,

N

Meditations of a Restless Romantic

Lately I’ve been feeling a lot more restless than usual. I am beginning to think there’s a trend here–that my constant movement and transitional state of growth is far too intense for some of the people that cross my paths. Ever since February 2009, I vowed to myself as I lay on the carpet of my bedroom with several hours of tears soaked onto my skin that I would never, ever, be ashamed to express the things I felt or blame my burning passions for never giving me what I desired most. Since then, I have found myself in a constant fluctuation in love, growth, pain, experimentation of all that my curiosities chased, and the cities my life and breath experienced. When I reflect back on my life since February 2009, I started off at the peak of things. I finished college and landed a nearly $50K job with amazing benefits and found myself moving closer to a kind of descent into nothingness. The job itself made me realize a lot about humanity and all the things that mattered to me in life. Leaving that job gave me everything I needed to know about the importance of placing my values first and foremost.

My restlessness did not stop there. I searched, and I still search, for a complementary intensity–one that is fueled by the pure desire to be all, and feel all, with one’s true heart and feelings. So much of our world is so easily gratified by the instantaneous “likes” and comments that feed our ego, but what is happening is something truly heart-breaking. In as much as social media has brought us closer, it has made us MORE AFRAID to share our own vulnerability and the sincerity of our soul to one another. I hear a lot about how dating and meeting someone to be in a relationship with has become difficult, but really, the only difficulty I see is the cowardice of not sharing one’s true and best self to one another. How much easier it would be if we could just express ourselves? Yes, we would like to protect our fears and insecurities, but if you loved yourself enough, you would know how to rebuild those things even if someone were to break or take your love for granted.

I have been with many types of people and have been fortunate to have loved almost all of them, each with different intensities. My love grew and grew, and I knew then, that falling in love was never limited to just one person, it was infinite. When you have fallen in love, the experience itself is a door that opens like an elevator, and with each floor that you stop at, you only go higher and higher, experiencing love in a different depth and height. I moved through my love with the people I met and the places and experiences I’ve been able to taste, with as much acceptance and resilience to move forward, each and every time my heart was broken, but some nights, like tonight–I feel restless. Something in my soul craves and desires the not-so-ordinary. I know my love and who I am is not your ordinary kind of love. I am all the things that I love and I do my very best to nourish each part of my selves. I may be scared sometimes, but I will never choose fear over the prospect of growing my love and compassion in some way. If you ever fall in love or have the chance to have your heart broken, remember that love can only grow stronger when it has withstood the seasons of pain, heartbreak, madness, and stagnancy.

You will love again. And you will love stronger and stronger each time.

Completely letting go of the one person I thought my life and my future could be with was the most difficult choice I had to make. We were best friends, passionate lovers, boundless soulmates, and the one person I wanted to share my life with. We fought well and we made up always with a tender affection–except for the last time. Years together and apart taught me so much about myself and the capacity of my love and my partner’s capacity to love. You can never dictate how someone you love will grow–only they can be the one to do that. Love grows together and it also grows apart, but even if it grows apart, each of us grow, and we need that. My intensity was growing and it was vibrating at a rapid frequency. It was clear that I hungered for more. It was clear that the sounds from my heart were strumming with a melodic enchantment to the world around and within me. I no longer was ashamed for all the things I felt or scared to express my devotion to one person. We toiled through our relationship in a very rare and unique way, and because of how we did it, I learned so much about the difference between commitment and devotion, love and a higher form of it that was grounded on gratitude, moments together, and the most open and honest communication I could not have ever imagined having with a partner.

But I was restless and I always will be. I taste and see life a little differently than most, and sometimes it scares people because they won’t know how to react or interact with my intensity, and other times, a feverish curiosity and intrigue grabs them, but almost always, nothing feeds my soul like a passionate mind full of rawness and truth and unabashed curiosity to the arts, creativity, and the music of life.

I want no ordinary love. I want to drown in passion and be ravished every night, because that is how I want to live my very short time in this human flesh I have been given on this beautiful emerald rock.

It took me many heartbreaks and many joys to come to this realization, but I realize now how important it is to constantly grow myself and grow my love as honestly and courageously as possible with any one who chooses to be just as fearless with their love and share it with me. I must thank my beloved scientist for this gift he parted with me. You see, he was killed and my heart broke in a million different ways I never thought I could fathom feeling. The only words that mattered to us more than love were three simple words that bound our spirits and our experience together in the most beautiful way that truth could give: Don’t doubt this.” I remind myself of this constantly. So when I give myself to you and spare my time for you, please understand that it is because I am choosing to take the little time I have in my short life, to share something real with you– if you are willing and brave enough to do the same.

I am restless now because I am tired. Tired of feeling like I must conform or turn my volume down a little so that I can be “liked”. You never want to admit it, until you fall in love with someone and feel your heart expand and contract with the wave of your emotions and growth, but you already know that the intensity and the madness of it all is worth living for–so why live your life with less intensity because you are not with your one true love?

When you begin to live your life with all of your heart as if you were in love with the relationship to your spirit and soul, you begin to realize the things that you should value most in a shared connection: loyalty, friendship, trust, kindness, and gratitude.

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All these things will equate and move you towards discovering yourself and the partner that will have loved you all this time that you two have been apart. Surround yourself with the souls and spaces that groove alongside your own–the ones that also desire to chase the beauty, courage and freedom we’re all here to teach each other.

Promise yourself to move forward. Promise yourself to be unapologetically you and all the things you love. Love with reckless abandon. Love with honesty and kindness. Love even if you might get your heart broken again. Love because the intensity makes life so much more worthwhile and enjoyable.

Yours,

N

Northern Lights – A Eulogy to A Love Lost

I always imagined I’d wear a beautiful white dress for you and watch you in amazement while you walked towards me. I always imagined I could finally be right and ready for you, and share all the truths of love, being, and growing in the sacred blessing of our souls meeting. I always imagined that we could be different and still want each other like the moon chases the sun. My created dreams of you and me, traveling to foreign landscapes and filling ourselves up with life and the moments we’d breath together are hazy wishful thoughts that fade like the fog meeting the break of dawn.

You were whole for me once and I took it for granted. We were young and naïve and knew nothing. And though time split us apart and took us down our own journeys in the 1.6 million minutes we lived without each other, the universe spoke—and with its humming sounds reaching far into our separate depths, its waves came and pushed our currents back into each other again. I was different and so were you. We filled our time acknowledging the moment and promised to be friends forever. We fought for one another’s right to protect the love and happiness we deserved, and because of it we grew to understand each other and the true beauty of our humanness.

I chose you, from the moment I set my lips on yours that night. I wasn’t certain what it would create, I only knew that my heart opened its gate and let the water flood my veins and engulf me. For months, I thought that I could love you away from all of my different selves—that I could somehow, nurture and preserve the sanctity of the love that existed between us away from our individual desires. I was confident in the way my heart spoke and convinced we were different than most, and while I believe we are, a part of me realizes that free-will is a choice only a person can make for themselves. Love is all encompassing and transforms itself constantly. I know now, more than ever, how important it is to be present—to really be present with your heart and yourself.

Surrendering myself to presence wasn’t always easy—that was your nature. My mind and thoughts were prisoners of time and memories that I let dictate the truths of my heart. I lost you, and it was completely my own doing. No matter what had happened, I vowed to do my best to love again. I feel the growth that’s happening in my heart now and realize how important it is to truly be aware and conscious of the present: To be completely honest and vulnerable to all matters of the heart. I never want to lose a chance to allow myself and my heart the feeling of expressing its deepest truths, admiration, and devotion to someone. I never want to live as a prisoner of my own time-created fears in place of living and discovering the uncharted territories of the vast garden that is my love.

I remember closing my eyes as I watched the sunset cascade its beautiful colors in the sky and thought,

Unconditional love is not time bound. That even when the sun sets, it rises somewhere else. If we want to see the light and feel its warmth, we only need to choose to love and trust daily like the sun trusts the moon to keep our darkest paths lit.

I always imagined I could be that person who would scare all your fears away and hold the wonderful and brave angel that you are. I always imagined what it would be like to have fully lived out our love the way it should have all those lifetimes ago. A part of ourselves has found each other in this lifetime. It’s taken lifetimes and many cycles of life to bring the pieces together. It’s likely that we’ll never become whole because our souls haven’t found all the pieces yet. We are incomplete spirits searching for all the billions of pieces of its one true self. We have been lucky to experience such awareness of each others meeting, and I only hope that we can meet again in all the lifetimes we’ll have and reunite our pieces to complete each other even if we are not yet whole.

I always imagined that was what love meant to the universe: a dark vastness filled with burning holes that light up the heavenly skies, showing all who choose to see the undeniable, majestic wholeness.

Until we meet again, my love.